3/29/05
What a fucking day, it's amazing how emotions can go from high to low in an instant. We'll start with the high. I got a random call from the general manager for the Palm Beach Improv here in Florida. He asked me if I was going to be with Pablo next week, and I told him no, I'm in Spokane, but I'll be with him for the two weeks after that. He said ok and we had a little small talk, then I asked if it would be ok if I came to see Robert this weekend at the club. He said, "Oh, you're here?" I said yeah and he asked if I wanted to work with Robert this weekend and headline on Thursday. I told him I'd have to see if I could switch my flight. Long story short (too late), I changed the flight and I'm working at the club this weekend. It was really cool because I had to give up my weekend at the Comedy District to come down here for the callback, but now I'm making some money and working with Schimmel. So life is good, right? OK, now the down. So I go to my agent's office down here to get a copy of the lines I'm going to need for the callback. I get there, chat it up a bit, and then she said, "Listen, there's something I have to tell you...", and I'm like, "What? Oh, you're kidding, right?" She shook her head, the callbacks have been postponed! Do you fucking believe that!? The whole point to coming down here was for the fucking callback, and now it's pushed back, and they don't know when. It'll probably be next week when I'm in Spokane. My schedule has been royally fucked now because I am now leaving Monday night, getting into LA early Tuesday morning and then I leave Wednesday for Spokane and then I come BACK to Florida that Sunday. But in that little time I have back in LA, I have to repack clothes, merchandise and do some errands. It's so insane. I wouldn't mind it all, but now with the callback bullshit, I feel really stressed out. And it's not my fault or my agents, apparently, it's the director's. For whatever reason, he's not coming into town this week, and that one little thing is fucking up many a life. A casting director from LA also came in for this and who knows how many other people arranged their schedule based on the information they originally got. It's just so fucking unfair. I mean I don't know if the director is just being difficult, for all I know, he's bogged down with work, but he should give an explanation, anything. I doubt he knows what I did just to come in for this, for that matter, I doubt he cares, but I think I deserve some kind of explanation. But in the long run, complaining will not do anything, so I'm just going to go about my life and hope things work out. Things always seem to work out. Again, look at how I picked up the week down here, who would've thought that would happen? Not me. So I'm asking all of you to please put out good thoughts toward this. And in turn, email me with whatever you're hoping for and I'll send out a good thought for that, deal? Deal. OK, another little piece of news, for anyone who has had trouble remembering how I spell my last name, and therefore couldn't tell thier friends how get here, fear not. I have set up the new domain name www.flipisfunny.com, just tell your friends to go there and it will take them here. So now there's no excuse not to have more folks over at the site. Well it's late and my allergies are starting to attack, so I'm calling it a night. Again, please send some good vibes my way...Ooo, just got one, thanks.

3/28/05
I'm back at my parents house, and I'm tired as hell. I'm not going to write anything lengthy regarding the trip, I'll just ask you to re-read the entry for 3/15/05.

3/27/05
I had a quite productively boring day, by that I mean that I got a lot done, but it was all boring stuff. I cleaned out my closet and a lot of drawers, threw out a lot of shit that I didn't need. I don't know why I have a tendancy to keep old boxes. Like I'll buy something and keep the box for years, no reason, I just do. I guess if I wasn't sure if I'd want to keep it, that's a smart thing to do, but after a year, I think it's safe to say that I am keeping it and I can throw the box away. But I just kept a lot of useless boxes in a bigger box in my closet. So today I threw out all of those boxes and put other crap inside the big box, so now I have more space to put new useless crap. Ah the way the universe works. Well I'm all packed for my short little Florida trip tomorrow. Since I'm not bringing merchandise, this is an easy trip, only 2 carry on bags, the way it should be. I hate checking bags and then waiting to get them after the flight, with carry on's I just get my boarding pass and get on, that's it. And when I land I go right to my ride and get the hell out of Dodge. Nothing else to say really, like I said, boring day. Oh come on, the last couple of entries have been pretty interesting, right? I've entertained you for the most part, so cut me some slack. Oh, I did do something for you guys, since you've been so good to me. I uploaded the song "My Baby" from the Ribbed For Your Pleasure CD on the Sound Clips page. It's the full version of the song, something that I've never done before. I also added the full lyrics to the site. So listen to the song, laugh, buy the CD so I can afford to keep flying back and forth to Florida.

HAPPY EASTER!

3/26/05
I am having a really good weekend so far...nice way to start a blog, huh? The main reason is that I spoke to the manager of the Brea Improv this weekend and it is pretty set that the Skippy Greene show will go up there sometime in August! Yup, we've got us a venue! I am soooo excited, this is happening, it's really fucking happening. Add to that the fact that a producer is reading my film script and I've got a callback this week for a movie, I'm pretty happy. Dispite that I'm going to be flying all day Monday, it's going to be a good week. To those who were coming to see me in Culver City at the The Comedy District, I apologize, but I had to cancel due to flying to Florida, but we will reschedule. So what else to tell? I did some spots in Brea last night and tonight, they went well. The 'Bracelets' and 'Real Bible' jokes were the new ones I tried, and both are coming along. I was talking with the manager, Dan, tonight about new jokes, and how much I love to write them and try them. To me jokes are kinda like toys and telling new ones are like playing with new toys, you know? OK, maybe I'm getting too heady now. Anyway, I'm going to pass out. Thanks again to Brea.

3/23/05
Sometimes I hate being so determined, especially when it has to do with something material that I want. I have a perfectly good cel phone, it's top of the line and pretty damn cool. Now, I also have a Pocket PC, and I love that too, but carrying both of them is a bitch. So I was thinking that I should get a Pocket PC phone and just sell the other two things I have online. So now I'm surfing the net looking for the Pocket PC phone and I'm starting to feel myself getting obsessed with this quest. I tend to do that, when I get my mind set of getting something, I think of nothing else until I get it. I think it goes back to when I was a kid and threw a tantrum until my parents gave in and got me something...actually that's a lie. I would throw a tantrum and they'd just go, "Cry all you want, it's not going to get you that Transformer". And it's true, I never got my Optimus Prime. I was so into the Transformers when I was a kid, I think every red-blooded American boy was. But the toys that I collected the most were from M.A.S.K., they were the shit. They had the cool and style of GI Joe fused with the technology of the Transformers. I still have all of the toys (used of course) in thier boxes. Man, I haven't played with those in a long time. God, when was the last time I really played like a kid. I mean I guess my job is like playing really, but I mean just sitting on the ground and playing with toys. Fuck it, you're never too old. To quote the bard, "I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys 'R' Us kid, they've got the best for so much less, it'll really flip your lid! From bikes to trains to video games, it's the biggest toy store there is..." ...everyone now... "Gee whiz!" I remember when I was a kid I had all of my M.A.S.K. toys set up in my room; they were lined up and displayed in the order that I bought them. I wrote the name of the toy on a piece of paper and had it placed above it. Yes, I know, weird kid. Wait, I'll give ya one better, I drew a map of my house and every night I imagined that the toys came to life and guarded a specific part of my house as dictated on the map. Holy shit, I swear I haven't thought about that for years. Wow. That's the kind of kid I was, always using my imagination for the weirdest shit. I would literally envision these little toys coming to life and spreading out all over my house to guard it. Some would guard my parents room, then the kitchen, the living room, etc. I had some that would go outside and guard the "outer perimeter", and others in the garage. I think I'm opening up a wee bit too much. I don't know, I think that's what being a kid is about, imagination, pretending, working your brains' creative side. Hell, if my parents had stiffled my creativity, I might not be writing a comedy blog, I would be waxing philosophic about tax law or dry cleaning. No offense to those who might work in either of those fields. I thank God my parents were as cool as they were raising me and my brother. Never once did they ever deter me from pursuing a life in entertainment, they saw how much I loved to perform and encouraged it. Let that be a lesson to any parents out there, let the kids run free. If they love to play sports, play catch with them and sign them up for league sports. If they love to dance, buy them tap shoes and watch Singin' In The Rain. If they love to design clothes...make sure your son's not gay. Kidding. Tonight was a rather good night, I did my spot at Yankee Doodles tonight instead of next week. The booker was able to switch the dates just in case I need to fly to Florida for that call back. It was a small crowd, but they were good. Once again the new jokes worked well, "Dream Hollywood" and "Bracelets". The bracelets bit is really coming along great, it's so nice to see a joke I've been toying with for about a month or so finally come together. And dream Hollywood is quickly coming together too. I know it's going to be a winner for one big reason, comics love it. I've had 3 different people tell me how much they love that joke, and it's still so new. An audience member told me tonight that they thought it was funny AND it made him think. That is one of the best compliments you can give a comic. I also got to work with two really funny comics, Carol Anne Lieff and Eric Schwartz, both did really well too. And thank you once again Carol Anne for going first. Well, I think I'm going to sleep and imagine my toys flying cross country to guard my apartment now. You know something, I really wanna play with my toys now. I can't wait to go home and look at them, it's been years. But I don't have any friends left down there...hey, you guys wanna come over? Come on, my mom is making Stove Top instead of potatoes. Cool!!!!

3/22/05
Damit! My DSL is down so I'm on dial up again, God this sucks. Going from DSL back to dialup is like...oh, I don't know...going from DSL back to dialup! On a better note, I had a really great night tonight, did a spot at the Improv tonight and tried two new bits, and they both worked. Nothing beats that feeling...well, maybe sex...actually, the best feeling is having a new joke work WHILE having sex. Anywho, I think I finally got the "Bracelet" structured right, and my new joke, "Dream Hollywood", did great! It's the I one wrote about in the blog, I turned a random thought into (in my humble opinion) a really clever, funny joke. It's very esoteric...did I spell that right? Another cool thing happened tonight, by sheer coincidence, I met a guy who liked my set. He is a manager and was there to watch another comic and friend of mine Tommy James. So he and I talked and it turns out that he and I know a lot of the same people, but what's even more cool is that he produces and wants to talk about my script. I'm not going to get too excited about it now, it's just nice to have someone show interest. Oh, speaking of that, I also found out today that I got a callback for the audition I had a couple of weeks ago....IN FLORIDA! Which means that if they can't see me out here, I have to fly to Florida for a couple of days and then fly back only to leave soon after that to Spokane and then BACK to Florida. Oy. But it's a callback for a major motion picture, I have to do it. It's all about taking chances, if I didn't do this, I'd regret it. Life is too short and this business is too unpredictable, it comes with surprises and it asks you to take chances. So that's what I'm doing, taking a chance. Hell, even if I don't get it, at least I have no regrets. Of course the plane ticket will cost a shitload of money, but if I get the part, I'll get a shitload of money...of course, for this story, a shitload of money is equal to what the plane ticket will cost me. In the grand scheme of things, the money for the ticket and the movie would not be a shitload of money, more like a silent fart of money. Ah...ending on a fart joke, who says I'm not a clever comic. Don't answer that.

3/21/05
Dear God what an exciting day...I didn't leave my apartment at all today. I was sick...boo-hoo, fucking allergies. Last night I felt it coming on, but I was too tired to get out of bed and take some medicine, so today I paid for my laziness. I hate being sick, it affects my whole attitude; I'm very short with people and generally in a shitty mood. On the up side, I made some major updates to my site. I got that graphic problem solved and added a really cool graphic to all of the video clips, check'em out. I'm really proud of it actually. I'll try not to break my arm patting myself on the back, but I'm really impressed with the fact that I know how to do all of this website stuff. Everything on this site I did myself: graphics, text, editing all of the clips and uploading them, everything. I don't know flash yet, but I'm getting there. I really like my site, and people have told me that it's a good site, easy to navigate, user friendly, etc. OK, OK, I'm rambling on about my website now, that means times up and Flip is out for the count. Shit, this also means that I'm going to dream in html code.

3/20/05
I am such a perfectionist/anal-retentive freak, you know that? I have just spent the last hour (it's 2:30 AM, mind you) trying to figure out how to make a video for my site play in a cool little tv graphic. I have been tweaking the edges of the picture ever so slightly to make it fit, and then I've been racking my brains trying to make this one, little, sliver of blank space disappear. It's nothing really, but it's something that I know is there and it drives me crazy. Then when it's all said and done I realize something...I don't really like the graphic! Jesus christ, the woman who ends up with me is going to be in trouble, "OK honey, now go down slowly...no, slower...wait...no, you missed it. Ok, that's good...a bit to the left..." Speaking of women, I was at a friend's birthday party tonight and there was a woman there who was reading tarot cards. I had this done a few times in my life, but I always like to have them done just to compare and see if the predictions between them match up. Hell, for all we know there's a secret society of tarot readers who trade information, "OK, if you ever get Flip Schultz, I already told him he's going to be married by the time he's 34, so stick to that story." This woman was nice, and of course all of the predictions were very positive. She said that I am talented in what I do (blush) and she also suggested that I do directing. She said that will be a big thing for me. I told her the only things I've directed were some sketches, but she said it looked good in that department. She also let me know that I will have become a very big success by my sixth year of living out here...ok, two more to go! She also said that either a French woman, or a very gay French man (and no, I'm not kidding) is going to come along and believe in me to the point of investing money in a project. So now I'm gonna constantly be going up to strangers and say, "Bon jour?" and if they say, "Oui?", I'll say, "Where's my money?" And they'll say, "Gee no par gu la la loo loo...", ok, so I don't speak French either. Now, for my love life she said that I will meet a romantic interest within the next 3 months. You know something, if that happens, I will never make fun of psychics again. Not that I really have anyway, but I'll make it a point not to make fun of them if the urge hits me. Can you sue a psychic if the prediction doesn't happen? I mean if a psychic, who has a legitimate place of work and is well respected among the pyschic community, if that person told you that you are going to be making a wise investment very soon. That someone will come into your life and tell you about an amazing investment and that you should do it. They even said that the investment might sound risky, but you need to take a chance and the rewards will be great. Now what if that person meets someone who tells them that they should invest in this new company, a company that sells cel phones for hamsters. This person thinks that it's a lousy idea but remembers what the psychic told them. He thinks that this can't be just a coincedence and immediately signs on the dotted line and invests everything they have in cel phones for hamsters. And, of course, he loses all of his money. Now, can he go back and sue that well respected, legitimate psychic? I mean techinally a psychic provides a service, a service that you pay for. If you went to a car dealership, bought a car and after taking it realized it didn't work, you would go back and demand satisfaction. Why can't you do that with a psychic? Yeah, I know, it's a stupid thought and I'm rambling...I know. I thought I was on a roll, turned out I was just stupid. OH, speaking of stupid things (and I'm sure to piss off you conservatives out there) but Bush is the fucking anti-Christ. I can't believe what our government is doing in the name of preserving life. I'm talking about Terri Schiavo, the woman in Florida, who the GOVERNMENT is trying to keep alive when she has been in a vegitative state for over 15 years! Who the fuck gives them the right? The husband said that his wife told him that if she was ever in that situation, she didn't want to live like that. I mean who would? The doctors say that there is no hope of her ever regaining any kind of cognative functions, none, so why prolong this existence. It's not living, it's just existing. Now if there were doctors who said that she could come out of it, or if there were some significant progress, that's one thing, but she has been the same for 15 years. And furthermore, a court already ruled that it is ok to take out her feeding tube...and the government wants to challenge that!? Stop! All of these damn conservative fuckers are interferring in private, family matters. I know the parents don't want this to happen, but the husband is the legal guardian and that should be that. I know that there is no way a parent can let their child die, I understand that, but by letting her just be there, that's even worse. The daughter that they knew and loved doesn't exist anymore. I'm sorry but it's true. And I don't think it's easy for the husband too, but it's not like it just happened, it's been 15 years. I think he's been a trooper and finally feels that his wife deserves to have her misery end. I read a quote from a senator who was for keeping her alive saying, "This gives her another chance..."...FOR WHAT??? To lay in bed and just exist for another 40 years? Who the fuck wants that? I am saying this here and now on my site, if I'm ever in that situation, and the doctors say that there is no chance of me ever coming out of it (be it a coma or a vegitative state), please, pull the plug or the tube. I don't want to be like that, and I don't want my family to suffer through my existence like that. That's a burden on them emotionally and financially, no fucking way. And I sure as hell don't want the government stepping in in the name of mercy and compassion to say, "No, he's still alive, he must live", no, I'm not living, I'm just there. And you have no right to undermine my wishes and the wishes of a court of law. Fuck you. Where will it end? Seriously, if this passes, the next thing to go is abortion. The right to choose to die and the right to choose to live are not too far off my friends, if we lose one, the other will follow. This is some serious Big Brother shit. Next thing they'll want to monitor what we read...oh yeah, they already do that, thank you Patriot Act. Well, a nice little post about websites and psychics has turned into a political tirade, sorry. Well, no, I'm not sorry, I just hope that you don't mind my little rants. I just write this thing so stream of conscious that sometimes I have to go back and re-read it just to make sure that even I understood it. Again, I'm sure that I pissed off a lot of you who are conservative and right-wing Republican types, and if I did, so be it. It's my opinion and I'm not wrong...and neither are you for your opinions. That's what's great about this country, no one's wrong in their opinions. Unless your opinion of rape and murder is "Hell yeah!", then you're wrong...not to mention sick. But it's when people with power start to thrust their opinions on us as law that it becomes too much. So I say to the people in power, stop. Please, let us think for ourselves on certain matters. The big stuff, that's you: Taxes, immigration, defense, hey, you have at it. But other things, things that have to do with our families, our bodies, our wishes, do us a favor, let us handle that, k?

3/19/05
Had two spots tonight at the Improv, first one was really good, it was like vindication for last night. Second show wasn't as good, but I can honestly say it wasn't me, it was the crowd...no one did great in that show. Even Lisa was working hard for them, they just didn't give it up for anyone. I don't understand that, why come to a "COMEDY" club and not laugh? That's like going to a whore house, paying for the whore and then just sit there and read. I did do Skippy tonight, which was fun. The crowd, of course, didn't get it for the most part, but the comics were loving it. Tonight I also tried something completely new for Skippy in preparing for the one-man show, Lenny, (who is directing the Skippy show) came up on stage with me as 'Smacky', Skippy's band leader. Smacky is the only other character in the show, so we needed to see how 1-the interaction worked and 2-if it screwed up the rythm. Well, it felt good as far as I was concerned, there are some things that we need to get down, ie: Timing, Smacky's persona, etc., but for the most part, I'm excited about it. This thing is really going to happen! Not too much else...hey, how are you doing? I'm always rambling on about me and I never ask about you. OK, I'm all ears, how was your day? Uh-huh....really?.....you don't say....you're kidding, she said that??....yeah, she is a whore....Ohhh....Mmm hmm....ok, you know what, you're boring.

3/18/05
Man it's late, had one of those nights at the Improv tonight with Lisa's show. I hated, hated, hated my set tonight. It was one of the worst sets I've had in a very long time, I not only never got the crowd on the chain, it was just torturous to be on that stage. My problem you ask? I made a huge rookie mistake, I completely psyched myself out, total amatuer mistake. The comic before me, Steve Byrne, did a great show, really great. So at first I'm thinking, "this is great, I'll just ride this wave" and then I immediately thought, "Oh shit, how am I going to follow him???", and that's when I hit the stage. So I was just flabbergasted the whole time, jumping all around my set, really fucked it up. I was soooo embarrassed, especially because Lisa wanted me on her show. I felt better when after the show she said that she thought I did fine, it really did help. I felt bad for her, this was her show and she got cut short because Chris Rock showed up and he had to practice for a benefit he's doing. I can't wait until I get to that level; where I can just walk into a club and go on stage...of course I wouldn't do it unless I need the time. I'm not going to bump other people, you know? That's what I like about Rock, the only times I've seen him come in and just jump on stage is when he's preparing for something, ie: The Oscars, a benefit, etc. There are some other big comics who just show up to fill their ego...no names of course...(cough) Eddie Griffith...(cough)...What else, oh yeah, so guess who was there? Gene Simmons! How cool is that? He said I was funny, and that also made me feel pretty good. I guess I wasn't as bad as I thought, but I'm just my worse critic. A comics mind is very fragile and (especially when we're on stage) the slightest doubt in ourselves or our act will be magnified in our eyes a million times. My day was really good, I am on the cusp of some really big things with a brand new comedy network. I can't talk about the details now, but trust me, this is going to be big people, big! Just cross your fingers and pray that everything works out. Right now it's all good but this is the semi-early stages, wheels are turning, but the car isn't moving yet. OK, it's 3 AM and I'm about to pass out...oh shit, there I go...

3/17/05
Top of the evening to you, hope your St. Pattys Day was full of the drinking, puking and doing it all over again...just don't drive. Then again, if you're reading this, you got home alright, so I have nothing to worry about. Unless you're in jail and using the internet there, and if that's the case, why aren't you looking at porn? My day started at the ass crack of pre-dawn, 5:20 am...dear God, I had forgotten 5:20 am even existed. Then I headed down to Long Beach to shoot my segment for "Inside Joke" which turned out to be really fun. I don't know when it will air, but when I do, you will be the first to know. We shot it at the Aquarium of the Pacific, I got some cool pics from there I put on the Scrap Book page, check'em out. I am really fascinated by a lot of that stuff; underwater creatures and how they live and how they move and look, it's all so amazing. I was transfixed by the jelly fish, they're 95% water and they just move with the current of the ocean. So they had some small ones in these tiny tanks where the water just continually flowed around and the jelly fish just went with it. All the while their bodies made that "jelly fish kind of move", you know where they open and close...you know what I mean. I'm trying to explain it in words and I just can't right now, wow, thank God I'm not a romance novelist or anything. "And then he took his...uh...oh, you know, that thing that a gardener uses to dig holes? No, not shovels...uh...hoe? Is that it? I thought that was used for planting crops...anyway, so he fucked her..." See what I mean? Back to the aqarium. So I also touched a shark...very freaky. I've always been scared and yet fascinated by sharks. They are an amazing predator and just built to kill, every aspect of the way they were made lends itself to destroying and preying. From the way they're shaped, like a sleak missle, to the teeth, to the fins, to the skin, to the stomach, everything. I could watch a 24 marathon of shark specials and watch them feed and swim and just be in awe. But at the same time, I am scared shitless of them. The idea of being eaten by something...just gives me the shivers. And I've been to places where you can touch harmless sharks, and I've never had the nerve to do it. Sting rays either. Well today I decided to conquer a fear and actually touch a shark. I crept up on the 'shark lagoon' and checked to see which one it would be. I decided to go for the big one that stayed by the surface, that way I wouldn't have to put my hand in the water really for fear of being pulled in. What's funny is that you think I am kidding. So I followed him and waited for him to come to the surface and when he did I reached down and just lightly touched his back...and I jumped. I am not joking, I jumped about a foot in the air. And mind you, the shark did not make a sudden movement, did not try to bite, no other fish touched me, nothing. It was the idea that I just touched a shark that freaked me out. If anyone out there wants to scare the shit out of me, put me in a swimming pool and tell me that there's an invisible shark in it. Wow, I just told the world one of my biggest fears, and by world, I mean the 8 of you who read this. Well keep it to yourself. Oh, if you didn't sign up for the Mailing List, you missed the latest newsletter and some funny "Ask Skippy" questions. I am going to be putting up a page specifically for that soon, but in the mean time, if you have a question about love, life, or whatever, why not ask Skippy: skippygreene@aol.com. Alrighty, I'm exhausted, need to sleep peep...pull. That was "people".

3/16/05
I'm in bed and it's only 10:30, why you ask? Well, I had forgotten that I am shooting something tomorrow, it's for the show Inside Joke on SiTV. It should be pretty cool, they basically interview me about how I came up with a specific joke, in this case, "The Shark Bit". And then I act out the joke, so it's a bit like "Inside the Comedy Mind" meets "Pulp Comics"...if you remember either of those shows from early Comedy Central. But what sucks is that I have to be there at 7:30 AM...oy. And it's a long drive with traffic ...oy. So I am getting up at 5:30 AM...yo. So this is gonna be brief. I did manage to hit the Improv tonight and see some old friends like Tina and Dean, and I met with a friend of mine who asked me to be part of a project he's putting together. Should be really fun and more exposure! Yeah boyie! And no, not that kind of exposure you sick freaks. Wow, that was a stupid joke, please, forget I thought of it. OK, I need to sleep. I'll be taking some pics from the shoot, so I'll put those up. Oh, that reminds me, God bless www.waybackmachine.org, thanks to that site I found a few old pictures that were deleted years ago when my site crashed. Go to the Famous Comics page and see me with Jay Mohr and Richard Jeni. Night.

3/15/05
OK, here is the new law when it comes to flying: Parents who board with a baby, whether they're crying already or not, must get on the intercom and apologize before hand, because every baby will cry. You must, and I repeat, must say, "Listen, I'm sorry. I can't control my baby's crying, but I know that it's annoying and can really screw up your trip. Sorry." And when the baby does start to cry, you must turn to the people in the five rows surrounding you, who are staring at you with distain, and say, "Again, I'm sorry." If you so much as give a look which says, "Hey, what are you looking at? It's a baby, they cry. Deal with it." Guess what, you're banished. Banished. You get put in your own little section of the plane, in the back...right by the shitter. And there are no curtains, there is a sound proof door. And you stay in there and "deal with it." And if you try to come out while the baby is crying...you get punched in the face and thrown back in the room. So now you and baby can cry all you want. It's your own little class; there's first class, second class and you, no class. As you can imagine, my flight back from Florida was less than thrilling. Aside from the kid thing, I realized when I got home that I left my brand new copy of Spider-Man 2 on the fucking plane. Actually, it was the case and bonus DVD, luckily the actual movie was in my laptop/DVD player. I took it out and put the case in the seat pocket and then...durrr...I left it on the plane. It's not that big of a deal, it's just that I always seem to forget things. I'm very absent minded. Like I had already said, I screwed up my intinerary and almost missed my scheduled flight. But enough of that, back to the children. I really do love kids...just not on planes. I wish we could stow them with the other carry on baggage. Ooo, ok, maybe that was a little harsh, but try being compassionate and rational when you're going on 6 hours of sleep and 8 hours of flying...one gets to be a bit jadded. I also realized something else, when a kid cries, it's even worse. Cause a baby might just scream, but a kid (3-4 years old) screams words! "I don't wanna!!! Stop!!!! I'M NOT GONNA!!!!!" But what makes it even more insane is when the kid doesn't speak English, "¡¡¡¡No quiero!!!! ¡¡¿¿Donde esta el baño??!!" OK, so I didn't pass 9th grade spanish, but you get the picture.

3/14/05
My God am I an idiot, I completely misread my intinerary, I'm flying back to LA tomorrow, not Wednesday. It sucks, not that I needed to be here for any specific reason, it's just that I was mentally prepared to leave on Wednesday. So I rushed to do laundry and pack up. I did manage to see some friends tonight and say good bye, that was nice. I also had some weird vibes due to the situation with my former friend. Nothing that I hadn't already ranted about, just reinforcing that I hate him and that he's despicable. For some reason tonight I got slapped in the face with a bout of lonliness, don't know why. I just suddenly felt very lonely as far as women go. Again, I don't know what brought it on, it just happened. I was talking to a friend about their relationship, that might've had something to do with it, but I have talked to them plenty of times about their relationship, so I don't know how that could've affected me differently tonight. I guess it just hits you out of the blue like that sometimes. And now for a completely new thought, I felt a bit awkward the other day; I was at a friends house and they showed me some video footage from the war, like actual military footage of Iraqis being shot from afar by helicopter. Now I'm not a pussy or anti-American or anything like that, but it was really disturbing. I mean I know that you can't turn your back on what's happening over there, but it's not like they were engaged in combat; these guys were just talking like, "There's one going over there to the truck, ok get'em!" And then BLAM!, just (literally) blew the guy up. Now the Iraqis might've been going to a gun or to a fire a weapon of some kind, but this footage didn't show anything like that. And this guy, my friend, is a good guy, but I had no idea that he was this gung-ho. And he's like, "Watch this. Watch'em get this guy." I just nodded my head and didn't say anything really. If he would've commented on the technology aspect of it, like, "Isn't it amazing that we have weapons like this?", then I would've gone, "Yeah, really amazing." But to comment on the situation itself in a favorable way, I just couldn't, in good conscience, do it. And let me stress again, this is a really good guy, and I like him, and I'm not saying that his beliefs are wrong or bad, but I don't agree with them. But then again, that doesn't make my beliefs wrong or bad either. But in the end, I didn't say anything, I didn't want to get all wrapped up in a policital and moral debate. I just sometimes forget that there are people who really get off on that kinda shit. And again, I'm not a pussy or anything, if I'm pushed, you'll be damn sure I'm going to push back. But to see something like that, it just doesn't seem right. Well, now that my rant for The United Way and The American Red Cross is over, let's lighten the mood, shall we. I want to send a big thanks, once again, to Michele (Puppet Lady). If you recall, she was the winner of the Name Where That Quote Is From contest and won a copy of Super Dork!. Well she sent me this swell picture with her prize and I just had to show it off. It's really bizarre to think that I have fans like that, and not bizarre in a bad way, just bizarre. I know that most of you probably saw me in a club or something where I was performing and so you came to the site and saw a bunch of shit that I've done and thought, "Wow, this guy's done a lot. He's a real professional comedian." But for me (and a handful of friends), it's been a long struggle, and a continuing one. I started this so long ago, and there's been so many little steps that have lead me to where I am now. I still have to stop and realize that I'm a comedian...AND THAT'S IT. No "day job", just comedy. It's very...well, bizarre. And so to have "fans", people who come back to see me, people who email me and take time to write such nice things (well, most of you), it's wonderful... and still, bizarre. I really can't thank all of you enough, you really make this life I'm living a lot more enjoyable...not to mention, you make the choices I've made in my life seem a lot better. :D Another thing that is strange is that I've been doing comedy for so long, I don't remember what it's like to have a day job. The last one I had was in 1997 at Discovery Zone, since then, I've been doing comedy and acting. Wow. And one would think that after that long, the idea of "fans" wouldn't seem so...(altogether now)... bizarre, but it still thrills me. Alright, it's 3 AM and I have to be up in 7 hours to fly back to LaLa-Land. So, once again, thanks to everyone, thanks for making my life biz...ah, you know.

3/13/05
Evening all, this is going to be short, I'm really tired. I spent the night in Palm Beach after a very late night with Al Jackson, the host for the show. We went out to a "gentleman's club"...and I was quite the gentleman. I hadn't been to one of those places for a long time, and it was fun. I'll tell you what really shocked me, the manager of the club knew who I was, he saw me the last time I was at the Improv with Harland, so he took care of us. A very cool club. If you're in the Palm Beach area and you want to hit a nice "gentleman's" club, go to the Cheetah. Why do they call it a gentleman's club? When in history did "gentleman" jump on their chairs screaming "Yeah, show me your tits!" How would history look if a true gentleman like Abraham Lincoln stood up at Gettysburg and said, "Four score and seven years ago...hey bitch, whip'em out! Come on whore! Hey, here's a five...recognize the face???"

3/12/05
I apologize to the 4 of you that actually read this for not updating in a few days. My body is so out of whack now. I get home from the club at about 4 am and then just pass out, so making my blog entry doesn't quite happen. So now I am doing this in the day time before I go to W. Palm for my shows. You'll be happy to know that nothing really substantial has happened in the last few days. The shows have been good, last night late show was great! David Alan Grier is really cool and very funny, I'm really relieved actually. I didn't know what to expect and for some reason I thought he might be one of those guys who just keeps to himself and isn't very social or funny...I was wrong. Not only is he funny, he's a really nice, down to earth guy. Very much like Harland. Oh, I found out that my week in Brea at the Improv was cancelled, so if anyone was going to see me there, sorry. Then again, Pablo is performing there...but I doubt anyone was going there to see him, right? No way, it's all about me...(insert sarcasm here). There is also a few things in development now, won't mention any specifics since I don't want to jinx it, but just cross your fingers. This year could be the year people! 'Nuff said for now. Alright, I am going to start my day now...it is, afterall, 1:40 PM. I think it's time to get out of bed. I can't wait to get back to LA for the one reason that my schedule will be back to normal there. I'll be getting up at 10:00 AM as opposed to 1:00 PM. Got bless you Pacific Standard Time.

3/8/05
Wow, well first of all, I need to make a correction, the Simpsons quote from March 5 is a bit wrong, it doesn't come with a "side of fruit", it's with a "slice of cantelope". Thank you Fred. And also I apologize to the folks who emailed me without response, my server is down so I'm having trouble sending out emails, but I will, I promise. I also want to say hi to Monica who saw me in Miami and sent me this really great picture of the two of us...and she's a Latin-Jew! Jackpot! Today was fairly uneventful, I did manage to visit an old college professor at Broward Community College, always a trip when I visit a school I went to. Ah memories... Anywho, I want to chat more about what I started my last entry with, my former friend. I found out tonight why he called me and threatened me, and I learned some new information about him, and I have reached a very strange realization...I hate him. It's really amazing, but hate is the only word I have to describe what I feel for him. I used to say, "well, I don't hate him, I just despise him as a person right now", nope, now I truly hate him. It's really sad because, like I said, he was my best friend not 2 months ago and now it's all gone to shit because of him. I know that people don't like to throw the word hate around because it is such a strong word, like love. Guys will be very wary about saying the "L" word (and that's not lesbian, most guys want to say that word) until they know that they really do feel that way. I'm like that, I will not tell a woman I love her unless it is undoubtalbe that I do. Well, I also feel that way about hate. Hate is a passionate emotion, like love, that can churn and build inside of you until there is no other way to describe it, it's hate. Pure and simple, hate. That is what I feel for this man...child. He is a despicable person and a shit of a human, he is one of the worst, most imbalanced people I have ever met. Like I already said, I won't go into details, but I firmly believe in karma, and this child will get it in square in his karmic ass. I am not one to hate easily too, that's what's astounding to me. The only other person that I've hated like this (besides George W.) was my most recent ex. I'm over it now, but when it was the worst between us, I felt nothing but pure hate, anger and disgust for her. Not to mention disbelief, disbelief that someone could be so cruel and selfish. For this person I'm talking about now, the former friend, my disbelief is in his illogical behavior and his pure and utter gaul. I have so much distain for this person, I don't know how to get rid of it. Maybe I should hit something...hold on...Oh shit, my cat! OK, I was kidding there. I'm also impressed if you are still reading this, most people might stop halfway through and think, "Shit, isn't this guy a comedian? Shouldn't he be writing whimsical quips about shopping carts and why men and women are different?" Uh, no, sorry. Sometimes my blog's have humor, other times it's just vent. The last couple, well, they're-a-venting ones. I don't know what else to say now, I've gotten a lot that frustation out, thanks for listening/reading. Oh, on a brighter note, I have an audition tomorrow for a movie, cross your fingers. OK, I'm gonna pass out and dream of better times and MUCH better people. Who you ask? For that answer, you'll have to go into my head...here, take a look...yup, it's Burgess Meredith!

3/7/05
I really find it interesting that some people never grow up. I have found that there are people who live in a purpetual state of adolescence and never reach that level of maturity that you should reach by the time you're at least in your late 20s. I am, of course, speaking from personal experiences here, not that I'm not mature...well, I still slide to a youthful mindset every now and then, but I do come back to my mature side when life calls for it. But I am talking about someone in my life who is older than me and still lives his life like he's in his late teens/early twenties; he has no motivation to succeed, yet he has dreams and delusions of grandure. He's a boy that never grew up and yet doesn't have a Neverland, in other words, a homeless Peter Pan. He and I used to be good friends but our friendship has since dissovled, very sad really. And I wouldn't really be venting about it here, it's just that tonight he did something very immature, and it stupifies me to the point to where I need to just vent about it. I'm not going to go into details as far as what the whole fight is about or what was said tonight, I'm just going to spew my inner thoughts about how someone can just be a perpetual child. It astounds me that a person of his supposed intelligence and creativity (which he has) can be such a child. Again, without going into detail, he called me on the phone and sent me emails where he berraded me with a slew of insults and threats. This is coming from a man in his thirties! Didn't we out grow this shit in middle school? I think I wrote about this in a previous blog entry, but doesn't name calling and threats of "beating the shit out of someone" die out with weedgies, school lunches and PE? He might be reading this now, and I just want you to know that I'm not scared or threatened by you, I feel bad for you. It makes me think of other friendships that I've either let die or that have been destroyed by something or another. Do any of you have those? Aside from this one, I can think of a friend of mine from grammar school who I used to be best friends with, and I can't remember the last time I spoke to him. I don't think it was a fight, I think he moved or something. God, I wonder what he's doing now. I haven't thought of this guy for a long, long time. I can also remember the first crush I had, hell, I'm going to say her name, just in case someone reading this knows her. Her name was (and I'm sure the spelling is off on this one too) Erin Boscowin (Boss-cow-in). If anyone knows someone with that name, or someone who had that name but is married, ask her if she went to Village Elementary, and if she did, send her to this site and have her email me. Wow, that would be a weird mind fuck. She was actually the first girl I ever asked out...she said no, of course. I wasn't quite the Greek god I am now in grade school...hell, I was a fucking geek. Actually, she was the first girl I asked out, my first crush was a girl named Darcy, and I actually caught up with her a few years back, and she still looked cute as hell. But even then I was still shy with women, man, I would love to see her again. She's probably married, they're all probably married by now. I've got an excuse, my lifestyle and my job make marriage difficult, to anyone else with a "normal" life, they should be in a serious relationship and ready to take that leap. Actually, that's not true either, there is never a "time" to be married, it happens when it happens, right? So I take back everything I just said, there's no rush. I had a nice conversation with a friend of mine today, who is actually an ex. I think it's so cool that she and I can talk and be friends, that's how it should be. It's also a great feeling to know that I have no feelings for her anymore, none, that's amazing. When we went out and then broke up (10 years ago) I didn't think I'd ever get over her, and now, low and behold, I am and she is with a really great guy. I never thought I would be able to see her with someone else and be cool with it, but like they say, time heals all wounds. Damnit if it's not true. Well, this entry really didn't have any laughs, did it? Sorry. I'd like to end it on a funny note....uh...let's see...'Two Jews walk into a...', no, um....'Why did the....', I don't think so. Shit. Ah fuck it, I'm allowed a serious moment now and then, right? Right. Night.

3/6/05
A big congrats to Michele (aka Puppet Lady) for correctly answering my quote question, it was from The Simpsons! Yay! So enjoy your new CD...did I mention that it's just a CD of 'C & C Music Factory'? "Oh damn, is he serious????" No. The show tonight was pretty good, I actually did the "Gay Dictator" joke, something I haven't done in years! The reason was because the crowd was full of a lot of Cubans, so I thought they'd get a kick out of it...which they did. The joke is something that I out grew, I always felt it was a hacky joke, so I dropped it. But it is fun to pull out some older stuff every now and then. Yesterday, the first two shows weren't that good, the first one especially. I just never got them on the chain, second one was a bit better, but not that great. The late show, that was the one! It was really, really great. I got a few bits really down, this week was great for writing but shit for merchandise. Miami is not a buying town, but I do thank the folks who bought...you are good folks. I'm watching Fargo now, a great movie, but I had no idea it was based on a true story. Freaky. OK, I'm wrapped up in the movie now, so I'm calling it a night for bloggin'.

3/5/05
I am writing this in the afternoon as opposed to when I usually write at night...alright? Rhyming time! I find it harder to write late because I'm out so late that when I get back to my parents house, I'm exhausted and the last thing I feel like doing is jotting down my thoughts and/or adventures of the day. So now I am awake and can probably recap the highlights of the past few days without want or desire to sleep. OK, first the shows, they have been pretty good. Thursday felt a bit weird, I think I had trouble getting the audience on the chain. Last night was really good, Bill Burr is really, really funny. It's nice to work with a comic/comic as opposed to a actor who does comedy, you know? Not that the actor/comics suck, but they don't have the road-worn grit and humor that really makes me laugh, and as you know, it's all about me. Rayzor, the host and buddy of mine, gave me a great idea for the "Real Bible" joke, so I'm going to be using that this weekend. I also am fooling around with the "getting caught" joke, tweaking that up a bit and changing the order of the bit around. It's so much fun to disect jokes, re-work'em and watch them fly...hopefully. What else? Oh, god bless the women in Miami! Holy hard-on Batman! Last night there was a group of women who had to be the most beautiful collection of females I had ever seen in one place. Thank you ladies...thank you. And they were fun and cool, that's a bonus! I'm not an objectifier of women, well, not really. I mean what human being doesn't objectify someone else every now and then, I'm sorry, that's human nature. You can't help it if when you see someone you're attracted to, you say something like, "Damn they are hot! Wow, I would love to get me some of that!", or a phrase that didn't die out in 1995. So yes, when I saw these women, my immediate thought was, "Wow, they are hot!" And then after the show, I spoke to some of them, and they were very nice and cool to talk to. Wow, did I just ramble on about nothing. Nothing else to report really, just going through the motions of living I guess. I think I am going to do a bit of running now, get the heart-a-pumping and then have a nice bit of brunch, "What is brunch?" "It is not quite breakfast, and not quite lunch, but it comes with a side of fruit." Anyone know where that quote is from? If you email me with the correct answer, I'll send you a free CD...and my roommate is not eligable. And...go!

3/2/05
Back in my old bedroom again...sigh. I have been coming back to south Florida so often lately that it doesn't really phase me anymore. It's like I spend a month in LA, 2 weeks in Florida, a month in LA, 2 weeks in Florida. Thank god I have those free Southwest vouchers...well, my mom has'em. Hey, I'm not above taking free flights from my dear old mother. Just kidding ma. It was cool, Loni Love was on my flight, she went to New Orleans and I continued to Lauderdale. We had a good time chatting about comedy and the business, and she also was in the homepage video that is up now. But I'm sure you noticed that...unless you are reading an old blog entry, in which I wonder what date it is when YOU are reading this..and where the hell am I? Am I dead? Am I married?...hey, what's the difference, huh? "Za-Zing!" Thank you! Sorry, couldn't resist. LAX was surprisingly easy to navigate today; no long lines, no obnoxious babies, none of the usual shit you get at the airport. I did some additions to the Skippy script on the plane, I tell ya, it's coming along so well now, I am really, really, really excited. I'm feeling like I did when Flippin'... started to take shape. Just full of creativity and excitement, but this is even more, this is a full fleged character, not just little sketches. It feels so amazing. Skippy was just this little bit that I thought of years ago and has become a real thing, a fleshed out character with a past, a voice, a style, everything. AND to top it off, people love it! Alright, too much joyness, time to relax and get my body clock back onto east coast time...of course when that happens, it'll be time to get back to LA...only for a month and then I come back here. Oy-fucking-vey.

3/1/05
This is going to be short, I have to be up in 7 hours for my flight to Florida. I had a meeting with Lenny today about the Skippy show, Lenny's directing it. We tweaked the script up a bit, added some things and made more of it flow. I'm sooo fucking excited about this, it is my labor of love. Hopefully we'll be doing it at the Los Angeles Friars Club sometime toward the end of summer. I did my second showcase at The Laugh Factory tonight, and it wasn't my best. I psyched myself out because the crowd was small and weird. I should have just done my show like the place was sold out. So when I spoke to the owner (who gives you notes and critiques) he said that he knows I'm funny, but tonight I lacked the confidence that I had before and that I was rushing. Of course I couldn't tell exactly how I fucked up, I just knew I did. So I need to do another showcase. I know some comics who feel that they might be above doing this, but I don't. Like I have always said, I'm never above stage time, I don't care how big I get, I'm not going to stop doing stand up. I went to the Improv afterwards and did the open mike there. I tried some new material and I think I'm getting a hold of a new bit, I'm very excited about it. After that I was sitting with Rich Williams and he saw my notebook and could not believe how organized it is. For those who don't know, my notebook has every joke I've every written typed out and put in plastic sheets. Yes, it's very anal-retentive, but it's good. Most comics want to make fun of it like, "Wow, what are you, Dat Phan?", but immediately say, "I'm just kidding, shit, I wish I was this committed." The truth is, I just want to be Dat Phan. :-D Oh, and I found out today that my dad reads this, so let me just say, "Hey Dad, listen to this! Love ya!"