1/28/05
Gonna be brief, I'm actually tired. The shows tonight were great, I came up with some great bits on the spot, one of which I'm really excited about. It's another religious type joke, don't know why I've been writing so many of those lately. The first show was sold out! It was amazing. I know it really didn't have anything to do with me, but it felt great to headline to a sold out house. Merchandise sales are shitty though, you'd think they'd be a lot higher. I'm just mad because I have to pack 3 boxes of CDs and DVDs and take them to Canada and LA. I was hoping to combine a bunch of merchandise into one or two boxes. OK, blah-blah-blah...I'm off to meet my agent.

1/27/05
I think I'm afraid of sleep. It's 3:45 am here and I'm lying in bed still surfing the net, no reason, just don't want to sleep. I mean I'm tired and I should've gone to sleep hours ago, but for some reason, I can't. I don't know if it's a regression back to when I was a kid and hated going to bed, I always thought the coolest shit happened after I went to bed. So now, as an adult, I keep thinking I'm going to miss something if I sleep. Let that be a lesson to parents, let your kids stay up so they won't end up fucked up like me...wow, I used the word "up" a few times there. This is really strange, I know I should be sleeping, but I just won't. And when I finally do sleep, I feel defeated, like the night won or something. Ironic isn't it, last entry I said that I wish I could catch up on my sleep now I'm bitching about going to sleep. Well, it's not the sleep part that is hard, I really enjoy sleeping and dread waking up. It's the falling to sleep part that sucks, you're literally putting yourself in a state of unconsciousness, that's creepy. You're drifting off and it's all by your own will, unless you fall asleep unexpectedly, ie: being over tired and falling asleep at the wheel, narcolepsy, etc. But for the most part, you are making yourself pass out. Interesting, huh? Never really dissected it before. In about 2 minutes, I am going to sign off and make myself go into a state of unconsciousness. At that point I will be completely susseptable to any kind of abuse, be it mental or physical. To a point, obviously. I mean someone can write the word "balls" on my forehead and I probably won't realize it, but if someone kicked me in the balls, I think that would wake me up. But someone could also whisper in my ear and place images that could go into my sub-conscious and affect my dreams. And there's another thing, dreams. I know, no one is really sure where they come from, or do they, I don't know. I let my subscription to "Dreams Quarterly" lapse. But dreams are like little movies that keep you entertained while you sleep. Sometimes they show a window into yourself, and sometimes they're just fucking weird. No point to them at all. I've had dreams about people in my life and realize that I am missing them, or hate them, or love them. But then again, I've had dreams where I was eating a smurf while singing "Walk the Dinosaur" as a meteor was heading straight for the jungle of jelly beans that I was living in. Well, maybe it was a snork, I can't quite remember. I wonder if dreams are just a way for the body to keep us busy while it recharges. I know that if I never dreamed, I'd be pretty bored sleeping and probably wake up so I could see something interesting. Maybe there are little dream actors and agents who run around to different sub-consciousness's going, "I'll tell ya what kid, you're going to be huge in dreams! Huge I tells ya!" "Gee mister, you really think so?" "Around here we don't think, thinking is a product of the conscious mind, we work in unconscious and sub-conscious. If you want to work in conscious, you work in the thought department. But I'll warn ya kid, it's tough with them. You're always competing with actual thoughts, real thoughts, literal thoughts. Thoughts about work, love, life, all that shit. But here...here, things are gravy sport! Here there might be a dream about work, but it won't be work in the real sense, because here you can tell your boss to kiss your ass, and you won't get fired! It's great here kid, great!" "Alright mister, I'm in!" Wow, I think I just might've written something that could be made into a funny/smart bit. Well with that my friends, I am off to meet my dream agent. "Alright kid, let's go to work...."

1/26/05
My God I am tired, I drove for 4 hours to Tampa today and only got about 4-5 hours of sleep, definetely not enough. I got to have breakfast with an old friend this morning, that was nice. The drive was uneventful, just long. I'm at the comedy condo now, and I'm here alone. I honesly hate not sharing a condo, some comics love having the place to themselves, I prefer to have company. It's fun, a very bonding time for comics. I've made some of my best comedy friends after spending a week together in a condo...but then again, I've had a few experiences where it SUCKED because the other comic was either a prick, bitter or both. If I have to be alone while on the road, I prefer to do it in a hotel. I don't know, I think that comedy condos have more of a "homey" feel and should have more than one person in them. It's also cool during the days, you have someone to hang out with, assuming, again, that you both get along. But then again, if we're at the mall and eating some Panda Express in the Food Court...well shit, if that can't bring two people together, what will? The show tonight was surprisingly full, over 100 people! For a Wednesday that's pretty damn good. I'd like to think that since I was the headliner, I was the draw, but I know that just ain't true. The club there was good at getting people in the seats. I think I did about 50 minutes, 20 or so was crowd work, I love doing that. I had fun tonight, I thought the crowd was going to be kinda weak and tight, but then turned out to be fun. Not completely open, but not as tense as I thought they would be. This seems to be a community that can favor Bush, so my anti-Bush jokes didn't quite work as well as normal, although there were some smattering of applause. I like that. I did lose them completely though with a new Michael Jackson joke. I don't know why I did that, the joke is soooo new, this was the first time I had tried it on stage, very stupid. It's not structured yet and the whole "Michael Jackson" thing is so done by now. But there was a lead in to it and I thought, "Well, let me just rant on this and try to remember what I wrote." And I barely remembered it at all, and said a lot of it out of order, so basically, I feel on my ass. It was a tense moment where even I wasn't sure if I could pull myself out of the spiraling death fall that I was in. Thank God for the "Baby T's" joke, saved me. Then "Botox". The "Dolphin" joke did pretty well as did a few other new ones. I don't think I'll be doing "The Afghanistand Up Comedian" anymore, seemed to hit a nerve. Well, maybe I'll do it for the late shows, they are usually more hip. Again, not that this audience was bad, just not my usual audience. Which brings something else up, there were some older people at the show, and I brought them into the show a bit, and they seemed to have fun. I love it when older people understand my show and go with it. The reason I bring this up is because I got an email a few hours after the show from one of the older people who basically said that I am funny but why do I have to use the "F" word so much? A lot of great comics never had to use that kind of language. I wrote him back basically saying that I appreciate what you're saying and I understand. I have worked clean before, but when I'm doing comedy, I just like to be free and speaking very conversationally, like I'm talking to friends. I don't consider myself a dirty comedian, because to me, dirty comedians have dirty material. My material is clean for the most part, if there is a curse word in the joke, it is either there for emphasis or to make the joke a bit better. I can easily take a curse word out of a joke and not lose the humor in it. But I do curse in between, I'll say things like, "What the fuck?" or "Scared the shit out of me", things like that. Again, that's just my conversational me. But I was just glad he and his friends had fun. There was another older couple there that was more shocking to me that I to them. (wow, did I just speak old English there?) They've been married for 50 years and they're nudists. I talked for a little while to them and at one point the husband turned to the wife and said, "Alright, let's go home and fuck". I was speechless...very rare for me. Well, like I said, I am now sitting on the bed and type-type-typing away, so I think I'm going to hit the sack, I really need to catch up on my sleep. That's sounds funny, doesn't it? "Catch up on my sleep"...like my sleep and I are in a race. Now that I think about it, we just may be. Wouldn't it be great if you actually did catch up on the sleep you've missed and suddenly you and sleep are exactly where you need to be. So now you sleep for the exact right time, and are awake for the exact right time, and you're never too tired and never over tired. But then again, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? Hell, my life is always full of surprises. And I guess lack of sleep has something to do with that. Time to go temp sleep a bit.

1/24/05
Well, first of all, I want to thank Mike Rane, who I just noticed signed my guestbook to tell me I suck...thanks Mike. Hey, to each his own. I was thinking of taking it off, but fuck it, why censor? He said that he hears me on XM radio all the time and that I suck...but hey, at least he hears me on XM. And besides my friend, you're the idiot paying a monthy fee to listen to me!..schmuck. (thanks Dave) ANYwho, things are good here in Florida, my body's still adjusting to the time change. The bar-mitzvah was a lot of fun, it was great to see a lot of family in one place, though some were not there and sorely missed. I ended up doing a guest set at the Improv down here, Tammy was headlining and she was cool with me doing some time. I tried some newer material, and it all worked pretty well. I'll be banging the new stuff out a bit this week in Tampa, I'm looking forward to the week there, but not to driving. I'm also in a bit of a time crunch, I send my DVDs ahead to my parents house (I should've sent them by air, I know) and they are supposed to be here tomorrow, but if they're not, I'm fucked because I have to leave early Wednesday to make it into Tampa in time. So let's hope UPS gets it there, that's what Brown can do for me. What kind of phrase is that? I mean didn't they know that comics will be making shit jokes right away? "What can brown do for you? How about brown not touching my packages." OK, that's just something I made up now, but you get my point. Man, maybe Mike was right, maybe I do suck. Wow, thanks Mike. All that professional shit I mentioned in the last entry has taken a weird curve, again, I don't feel right talking about it on this forum, but it's starting to cause a wee bit of stress in my already stress filled life. Always weird coming home, I know I've mentioned that before. Although this time it's not that weird, but I think that's because I was just here like a month ago. When I'm away for 7 months at a time, then homecoming is most definetely strange. I saw an old friend today (that's an old friend, not an older friend), that was nice. Wow, you'd think after not blogging for 4 days, I'd have more interesting things to talk about. Well, I do, but again, those things I choose not to discuss on this. Well, then let's make something up...So, I found out my girlfriend's pregnant. Yeah, it's weird. I was so careful, but she insisted that we do it without a condom, just once. And now look, now we've got a bundle of joy on the way. Damit Shirley! Damn, why did I listen to you that night??? Yes, you're hot as hell, but I should've been stronger. Well honey, I will do the honorable thing. Shirley? Will you ma...mar...mar...marinade the chicken? Tonight, I'll make dinner. Oooo, no he didn't! Did that entertain you a bit? It entertained me for no other reason than that I named my "girlfriend" Shirley. Why Shirley? I don't know. Maybe I have a secret obsession with Good Times. Well, I am listening to the soundtrack to "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and vegging, so I think I'm going to call it a night. Oh God, I almost forgot, it was so horrible to hear about Johnny Carson. My god, what a loss. I actually always had this fantasy that he would come out of retirement for one week and guest host the Tonight Show, and I would be the comedian on the show that week. I mean I want to be on that show either way, but to be there with him, how fucking amazing would that have been? And now, now's it's truly an impossibility. I'll miss ya sir, I think we all will. Night.

1/20/05
So I'm all packed up and ready for my trip to Florida tomorrow. Today was a weird day, did something for my career today, something that's been on my mind for awhile now. It feels strange that I did this, but it's something that I felt I had to do. Unfortunately I don't feel right about going into specifics about it, so sorry to keep you guys out of the loop. Tonight was fun at the Improv, a whole lot of great comics: Todd Glass, Bonnie McFarlane, David Feldman, and a whole lot of other comics. Drew Carey was there too doing his improv shows, always a treat. It's amazing how packed that place is on Thursdays, it's the place to be. They also had a Tonight Show showcase there tonight...one day my friends, one day. Oh, I got another showcase for The Laugh Factory on March 1, very excited about it. Please, if you're in LA, come on down, should be fun, also check the Tour Page and see when I'm in your neck of the woods, would love to see ya there. A'ight, got a flight tomorrow, so I'm off. I want to wish an early happy bar-mitzvah to my cousin Jake, that's why I'm going home early. Mazel Tov Jake!

1/18/05
What a night. It started with me doing a showcase at The Laugh Factory. I had only been up at this club once before, and that was like almost 3 years ago. I was supposed to do 8 minutes, but got lit after 6, so I did the "Ozzy" bit as a switch closer, and kinda rushed it. Honestly, I was a little thrown and felt my set suffered. I was last out of 20 comics, most of whom did 3 minutes. Well, after the show, the owner talks to everyone that went up. Now mind you, I was one of the 5 showcasers there, the other comics were "open mikers". So everyone waits in line to talk to him, I swear to God, it was like waiting to ask the Godfather for a favor. So he gets to me and, to my surprise, gave me a really wonderful review. He said that my comedy was refreshing and that he really liked me. He said that he wants to see me do an 8 minute showcase very soon, which is usually the case with this club, very few comics get passed to be a regular their first time up. So I was very happy, and this club is a wonderful room which is packed 90% of the time. The second show was sold out...on a fucking Tuesday! So if I can get time at this club, it would be great. I love the Improv, it is my home club out here. But to be working at 2 top notch clubs in town would be wonderful. So I left there on a big high and went to the Improv for their open mike night. It's funny, people always say, "Wow, you still do open mikes?" Hey, stage time is stage time, and that's the bottom line. I am not above doing open mikes, I always need practice. I always have new bits that need to be worked out or older bits that need some tweaking. I will almost never turn down stage time...which reminds me. I want to apologize about a previous post where I called a certain room "one the worst comedy experiences ever...", I really over exagerated the experience. The room itself is a good room where a comic can work out his bits and do it in a more relaxed, "theatrical" setting. What made me uncomfortable about it was the fact that I couldn't leave. So to recap, the room was fine, most of the comics were good, but being forced to stay in the room made it bad. OK, I feel better. So, I went to the Improv and ended up bypassing 30 other comics on the list...sorry 'bout that to the comics I cut in front of. Hey, I don't have much pull in this business, but where I can use it, I fucking use it. I was scheduled to go up about 40th tonight, but I went up a lot sooner. Now, I did bring in McDonalds for the manager, but that's not why I was moved up. I don't want any other comics to think that if they bring in food they will get treated favorly. I paid my dues there and with sheer tenacity and a high work ethic did I climb my way to the middle of the ladder over there. But a tip to the younger comics, treat the management well and be nice, that carries more weight than a McRib. Anywho, I did some new material I was working on and it did well. But what surprised me was how so many people tonight asked me if I was Skippy. I swear, that character is really garnering fans. Even at the Laugh Factory, there was a comic there who did the Loco Comedy Jam with me and he was saying to the other comics, "Oh, this guy does the most amazing character!" It was really flattering. So to sum up, tonight was a huge ego night for moi! Anywho, I left the Improv and met some folks at a local watering hole called The Coronet, and then I came home, and now I'm lying in my bed and typing this on my laptop. What a day. Did I just type "what a day"?, I feel like Curious George who just had a big adventure. Fuck-a-duck-a-doo. I'm looking forward to going up at the Factory again, it really is a beautiful room. It feels like a road room, like you can't do wrong in that room, you know? I would love it if I got passed to be a regular there and start doing multiple sets in one night. That's a really cool feeling, actually, that happened tonight. I did one set at the Factory and then one at the Improv. In New York, that's an every night occurance. Steve Byrne did 13 sets in one night there! Thirteen! That's amazing, apparently he broke Dave Attel's record. I wish I could do that. One day I'll spend some time in NY and explore the comedy landscape there. Whew, it's late and I'm tired, so g'night. Oh, I am going to be doing something with SiTV in a little while, more to come!

1/16/05
So I'm at the Improv watching the Golden Globes and I'm talking with Vito, he's a door guy there, and he's an aspiring director. We were talking about how years from now we'll be there and I'll be winning best acting for the movie he directed...and of course he'll win too. I really feel it's coming, soon. God, let it be soon. Leonardo DiCaprio won for Best Actor, and you know what, he was born ONE day after me! Same year! If my mom would've waited one more day before pushing me out, I could be at a Golden Globe party right now! Thanks mom! I was upset that "Finding Neverland" didn't win, nor did "The Phantom of the Opera". Both fantastic films. I need to see "Million Dollar Baby" and "The Aviator", think I might do that later this week before I go to Florida. Anyway...the Improv was fun, I did a spot, actually, I closed the show, did about 15 minutes. I tried a new joke and I ended with the "Moses Morrison" joke. That joke is really coming along, pretty soon it might replace the "Shark Bit" as my favorite closer. It's getting there. Well, I'm keeping this short, I've got an audition tomorrow. Night and congrats to Leo...who should've been me.

1/15/05
I am watching the "Tsunami Concert For Hope", it's really good. I donated money to it, I mean how could you not? I'm not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but I have some money and they need it A LOT more than I do. I was hoping that I would talk to one of the celebrities, but I didn't, it's alright though. Wow, how starfuckery does that sound? "Hey, I would love to help those people who have suffered and lost everything by donating money...but can Quentin Tarantino take my donation?" What's really amazing about this is they show the before and after pictures of the areas, it's insane to think that the land has been changed. Generations from now won't even be able to comprehend that the coast was once 100 feet further out. So it does feel good that I donated what I could...and you should too: Red Cross. I'm going to the Improv tonight, I need to apologize to David again, I still feel a wee bit shitty 'bout last night. What else? Oh, I've given up on women. Ladies, you win, I concede, I surrender. Game over man! Game over! I don't want to get into specifics here, but I was hanging out with this woman and I really liked her and all she asked of me was to "be honest" and I asked the same of her. Well, as I'm sure my loyal bloggers know, my biggest pet peeve are people who say they will call me and then do not. Well, this young lady did just that...a few times. The first time she called a few hours later and apologized, and as pissed as I was, I was also appreciative of her calling and realizing that she did piss me off. So anyway, long story short, she was supposed to call me Wednesday night, and as of now (Sat. night) I have not heard from her. What the fuck? I don't think it's that much to ask for, is it? And I have a 2 phone call rule, I call twice after not hearing from someone, after that, I'm done. It's up to them. So far, 2 calls out and no calls in. It's really too bad, I liked her. So anyways ladies, stick a fork in me, I'm done. You win. You say you want honesty, but you can't seem to give it...I know I'm lumping you all into a single group, sorry. It's like racially profiling someone from the Middle East; just because a few people from there have hurt us, we all lump them in the same group. I'm doing that with women, I'm emotionally profiling you. It's really the same thing if you think about it: I just want to check your baggage to make sure there is nothing that will hurt me. "Sorry, this bitterness towards your ex-boyfriend is not allowed." Sidenote: Nelly is now doing a song where he sampled "True" by Spandu Ballet...and that's the song that I lost my virginity to. Nothing like the combination of tsunami's and memories of awkwardly apologizing to a 15 year old girl. Anyway, I'm gonna hit Starbucks and go to the Improv. Donate people, it feels good...oh, and if you get through to Quentin, tell him I said hi. Oh yeah, one other thihg. I noticed that Ryan Seacrest is one of the "celebrities" there...could you imagine that? Let's say you actually manage to get through to a celebrity taking donations, and I'm talking celebrities like Robert Deniro, Leonardo DiCaprio, Renee Zellwegger, Julia Roberts, etc...and you get Ryan Seacrest. That's like walking into Wolfgang Pucks and after eating and paying for your food, you suddenly realize you're in Dennys. Schultz out!

1/14/05
I'm done burning and putting together the last of my DVDs today! Hallelujah! I brought a copy to the Improv tonight to show people, got really good reviews from it. I felt bad though, I showed it to Nick and he said, "cool man", and then started to put it away. I'm like, "Oh, I can't give it to you" (because I only had one with me) and he said, "Oh sorry" and started to give me money. I felt horrible. I said he didn't have to give me money, I just only had one so I couldn't give it to anyone. But at that point, I just wanted him to take it because I felt so shitty. I also felt bad because earlier that night my friend David Feldman was there with his kid. His kid is pretty cool and pretty well adjusted for being a comedian's kid, and he's pretty mature, he knows his shit and David says things like "shit" in front of him, so I really didn't watch what I said too much. So I said something to David and he said, "Don't say that in front of my kid", and I thought he was kidding. So I said another thing that was pretty bad, and he asked me again. So then I whispered something to David, and he again said, "Please, I don't want my kid to hear that." And that's when I realized he was serious, I feel like such shit. He'll be there tomorrow, I'm going to apologize again. You can never tell with a comic, you know? So if David is reading this, again, I'm sorry. I ended up going up tonight and did pretty well (it was the Latino show), I actually came up with a great line. I asked this Mexican guy if he was married, he said yes, for 7 years. I asked him if he has any kids, and he said 3. I said, "Damn, you're a horny mother fucker", to which he said, "That's how we're going to take over the world. Just keep having kids." I said, "You do realize that white people fuck too. You're not the only ones. Actually, that's a brilliant plan, you should be the President of Mexico. While the other countries are going, 'We will take over the world with weapons', you'd be like, 'We're going to fuck until we out number you!'" It was pretty funny and got a great reaction, so much so that I said good night and walked off. It was great. So now I am listening to my friends' radio show (www.blackout.com) and helping him test out some call in software. Not too much else to report, looking forward to going to Florida again. I'm going to get going...beddy bye. I've been sleeping too late lately. I feel lazy.

1/13/05
Damn, I think I'm addicted to online poker. Fuck. Good thing I'm only playing with fake money...but then again, to a Jew, money is money. Spent a great deal of time tonight at the Improv, was a great show, actually two great shows. Second show had an amazing line up including Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Kindler and David Cross. David did something really funny/weird tonight. I saw the last half of it, but apparently he went on stage, commented how upset he was about Brad and Jennifer breaking up, and when people started laughing, he snapped and started yelling at the crowd saying things like, "Fuck you! You're laughing at someone's pain! You lady...you're a bitch!" And then he just stormed off stage and never came back. At first the crowd was laughing (myself included) and then, when we slowly started to realize that he wasn't coming back, the laughing went to silence. And the emcee walked on stage, not sure if David was going to come back. Very "Kaufman". I stayed for awhile, drank a bit and chatted it up with friends. I'm feeling a bit out of shape, getting a little gut and seeing some baby fat around my face. Can I really call it 'baby fat' anymore? I'm not a baby. So let me rephrase that, I'm starting to see some FAT around my face. Much better. I need to hit the gym more regularly. I used to have a buddy of mine live right around the corner, and we'd both go to the gym and motivate the hell out of each other. Then he went and moved into the Valley, so now I have to motivate myself...and I'm a lazy man. And it's hard to be a lazy man and motivate another lazy man...especially when the other man is me as well. OK, I'm talking nonsense and I just lost a major hand, I'm outtie! Let me rephrase that so it doesn't sound gay...I'm outta here! Better...how 'bout them Rams?

1/12/05
Oh my God, I was part of one the worst comedy experiences ever tonight. If the guy who booked it is reading this, no offense, but it was pretty bad tonight. And it wasn't the room itself, in all honesty it's a bit different but fun. It's a more theatrical setting; no mic, waitress, drinking, etc. and the point of the room is to just talk and do more free form comedy or just run with an idea. I did some bits that I've been working on, nothing high energy, not for this room, and then I just told some stories that I've been trying to turn into bits. Anyway, that's the style of the room. Now, what made it horrible was that there were 12-13 comics! And most everyone did at least 10 minutes! And some of them were alright, but dear God, the majority...painful. And please, I don't mean to sound egocentric in any way. I remember what is was like when I was starting, I remember learing how to perform and how to write and finding myself on stage. I remember all of that, but I haven't been exposed to it in a long while. Usually if I'm at a club and the comic is not doing well, I would leave, I just hate the awkward tension in a room. But this room is very small and very intimate, so if I left, everyone would know it. I actually did leave, but it was in between comics and it was to go to the bathroom. Now I'm sure you're asking, "Well, why didn't you just leave the place entirely?" Good question, here's the answer. There are two reasons: 1-As a comic, I respect the art and would want to support beginners, despite how beginner they are. (And if the show was shorter tonight with less comics, I would've stayed anyway without any desire to leave.) 2-There were some people there who came just to see me. They saw on my site that I was there and decided to come (thank you by the way!), so if I were to have left, how shitty would that be? "Hey, thanks for coming to see me. Now that I did my 10 minutes, I'm leaving without saying anything to you and forcing you to stay. Bye." So, that is why I spent 2 1/2 hours there. Oy. Again, I remember what it's like to just start out, but I can't be forced to watch it in other people. I'm sure when I was first starting out, there were a lot of comics who left the room when I was on stage. I was also supposed to do Skippy tonight...thank God I opted out of it before I got there. I had been doing Skippy for the past two nights: Monday at the Ramada and Tuesday at the Improv. The sets were "alright" as Skippy, not nearly as good as it had been in the past. I think one of the main reasons Skippy didn't do that well at the Improv was because I only had 5 minutes. Skippy is such an out there character as it is, coupled with that, he's dirty as hell. Five minutes is not enough time to except the character and start laughing. I basically did a few bits and most of them were filthy and shocking. I think the crowd there just didn't know what to make of him. Of course, a few comics loved it, that's always nice. I'm telling you, one day Skippy will be perfect, I really want the show to happen. I'm in a funk career-wise, my manager is really getting me pissed. I won't get into it here, not now anyways, but I'm not happy. Oh, I just watched tonight's episode of Lost, damn what a good show. Really love it. Got some big things coming up, not career-wise, but personal. I leave in a week for Florida, first to go to my cousins bar-mitzvah and then to perform in Tampa and then to Canada. Really looking forward to that. They told me that they are going to teach me how to snowboard and ski in Canada, and since I've never done either of them, it should be very interesting. Well, it's late and I'm tired. Ah, who am I kidding, I'm going to watch a little porn and then play online poker. Well, one out of the two. Oh, if anyone plays online poker, you can usually find me on royalvegaspoker.com....and if you watch porn, I'm known as "The Diddler on the Roof". Night.

1/9/05
Happy birthday to my good friend Andrea! Love ya sweety. Today was pretty dull, it's been rainy and dark here, so, aside from going to Kinkos to send a fax, I stayed in. I finally watched Reservoir Dogs today, great fucking movie. I was thinking that the film can be easily done as a stage play, I'm surprised Tarantino hasn't done that. I was really cringing about the ear scene as it was coming up, and it wasn't as gory as everyone had made it out to be...or maybe my tolerance for violence has been seriously softened. Last night was a late night for me, I hung out at the Improv until about 2 am. I was chatting with Kent Emmons (from All Comedy Radio and some other comics. Kent is a great guy and a big fan of Skippy Greene, as a matter of fact, we were talking about the live Skippy show. He suggested just doing a talk show type thing and have a fake late night host interview Skippy. It's an interesting idea, but I'm still swaying more towards having Skippy perform his routine in a "comeback special" type dealy. Dealy? Yup, I said dealy. Last night I also did a bit of improv at the Second City Improv Jam, it was fun. I played a game I had never done before: A girl and I did a scene where she would read lines from a play and I would have to justify what she said within the reality of the scene. It was damn hard, but fun, and I got some good laughs. I always get a bit nervous performing improv in front of people I don't know. I mean I could do it at a comedy club in front of a crowd of people who have just seen me do stand up, or in front of some friends, but these people were all Second City students, so it's a bit nerve racking. Anyway, after the club closed, I ended up grabbing a bite with two comics; Tommy T. and Dat Phan. It was a good time, Dat's a really cool guy. I know a lot of comics resent him because of his explosion after "Last Comic Standing", and to be honest, I had my bouts of jealousy, but I got over that pretty quickly. He's really a nice guy who didn't let his success get to his head, he's very grounded, which was a great relief. I knew him before he got big, and he was humble then too, so I'm glad to know that he didn't change...although he is driving a kick ass car now. One day I'll get me the General Lee and hit the streets of Hollywood making sure Boss Hogg is taken care of...sorry, Duke flashback. Be good ya'll.

1/7/05
It's going to feel weird to write "05" at the end of my dates for a little while now. It's still so hard to believe it's 2005, I mean, come on, 2005?! Really? I know I sound like an old man, but "I remember back when I was just a little boy and the year 2000 seemed like a fantasy!" It's true my friends. Time, what a bitch, huh? Today was my parents anniversary, 32 years together, amazing. I'm really blessed, my parents are the only people of my family (that is, among my aunts and uncles) who didn't get divorced. All of my aunts and uncles have had at least one divorce in their life, my folks haven't. They've been together longer than anyone of them. Not that it's a contest...but MY PARENTS RULE! I went to the Improv tonight and ended up doing a spot. It was a show called "Jimmy Pardo and friends", and Jimmy had some of his buddies go up and do time. But I guess he needed someone to do 5 minutes for time, so he came up to me and Chris McGuire and said, "Oh, this is awkward...Chris, you wanna do 5 minutes?" And Chris said that he was kinda tired and didn't really feel up to it, so Jimmy turned to me and said, "Flip, you wanna do 5 minutes?" and I said, "Sure". I did my time and had a lot of fun. I told Jimmy he didn't need to feel weird about that, he just knows Chris better than me and that's cool. If I had a show and my choice of a comic that I know really well and another that I kinda know, I'd go with my buddy. It's nothing personal. Anywho, like I said, the set was pretty good. It was a small crowd, but fun. The dolphin joke is finding its legs now and I think I found a new beat in the "Moses Morrison" joke. I've been using that joke to close shorter sets lately and it's coming along. Within a month or so it could become a regularly used joke in my act, very exciting. I'll probably be pulling it out (stop thinking those naughty thoughts) and working on it during my week in Tampa. I started to watch Shaun of the Dead tonight with my roommates, but they got tired and I didn't want to finish it myself, and honestly, I was a bit tired too. It does seem to be pretty funny...I guess we'll finish it tomorrow. Man, this is really exciting stuff, huh? Why the fuck am I even doing this now, nothing really substantial happened today. At first this blog thing seemed stupid, then it got cool: I was ranting about politics, love, etc...now it's back to stupidity. Come on Flip, think of something interesting to go off about. Come on man, think! Think you bastard!!! Uh...shit! Nothing. Damit. If you're still reading this, I commend you, I would've stopped at the part where I did my "old man" impression...kudos to you. Well, now I'm just stalling for time, I'm hoping that something brilliant will come to me. I'd go on about the tsunami's, but that's depressing. Although I did see something on CNN today that made me sick. Apparently someone stole a collection jar for the tsunami victims from a convience store. Do you believe that? Hey, I don't care how desperate your life seems, NO ONE needs that money right now more than those people. They're probably thinking, "Well shit, I don't know about those people over there, but I need money to pay my bills and eat." Hey, they need money to fucking live. If you're able to breathe and drink clean water, you're better off than most of those people. I'm sorry, that just really pisses me off. The nerve of some people. Unless you are a tsunami victim or the fried of a tsunami victim, you don't touch that money...prick. Hey, I ranted...yay! Oh, incidentally, I just got an email from Jimmy saying that he, again, didn't want me to feel weird about asking Chris first. He explained that he originally asked him to be part of the show but was told that Chris was unavailable. So when he saw him there, he was excited and wanted him on the show. Jimmy's a top notch guy, I tell you what. Sorry, I'm a King of the Hill fan. Alrighty, I'm off to slumber. Night.

1/6/05
Had an audition today, it felt really good. But then again, I'm basing that on the response from the casting director, and she just seemed too happy and excited about it. It's hard to take someone seriously when they seem "over the top happy" about it. I don't know, maybe I'm just being too over-analytical. I felt good about it, that's all that matters. I then went to meet a friend for a bite and then we saw Finding Neverland, and it was fantastic. Johnny Depp never ceases to amaze me, seriously. The man can do no wrong...God I hope Charlie... is good. I just saw the trailer today for the first time, it looks very quirky and fun, that's a relief. For some reason, I thought it was going to be a darker version than the original...then again, the original was pretty damn dark. "Hey, sorry your kid was dumped down a chute and sent to the incinerator, but here's a song sung my freaky midgets all about how you're a shitty parent!...oh, and don't forget your chocolate." When Augustus got sucked into the chocolate pipe, it really freaked me out as a kid. I felt so bad for him. I've always had that quality about me, I always felt sorry for characters in movies, even when it was supposed to be funny. Like in The Muppet Movie, when the big monster is trying to catch up with them to go to Hollywood, I felt bad for him. I remember my mom taking me to that and then asking if I liked it and I said, "No, the big monster never got to Hollywood"...which he actually did, but I didn't realize that at the time, I just remember wishing that he caught up with the rest of the muppets. I gotta go, phone call...hey, it's a chick! ;-)

1/5/05
Well good evening good people. My body is so off schedule, I was up until 4:30 last night and up at 8 am for an audition that I didn't get to until 12:30. So needless to say (then why say it), when I got home I passed out and slept until 3:30. It was one of those deep sleeps, you know? Like I would wake up and literally say, "Holy shit, I can't move, my eyes...they're closing again...", and I'd be out for another hour. Last night I had a spot at the Improv and it was pretty good. The crowd was small and mostly comics, but I did get some laughs. So I felt good about that, like I've said, when you can get laughs among comics, you know it's funny. I am now working on a joke I wrote back in Sept. in Baltimore. It's about bitter, cigarette smoking dolphins. I knew it was funny then, but for some reason I stopped doing it when I left Baltimore. So I decided to ressurect it and it seems to be working alright. I went up at the Ramada on Monday too, and that was pretty good too. I tell ya, sometimes that room is a great one. The crowd that night was small but mighty. They laughed at everything which led me to say, "Either you're a great crowd or I'm fucking brilliant" to which an audience member said, "A little of both". Anywho, I'm going to hit the Improv tonight and just hang for awhile. Hope you guys are having a wonderful new year. Oh yeah, I have a page now on Savvy Insider, check it out.

1/3/05
HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!! Well, I've been having quite the late nights in Brea so I haven't been able to get to this darn blog thing. The shows were fantastic, what a week. Every one of them were sold out and the crowds couldn't have been better. Pablo was hilarious as usual and it was so cool of him to want me to perform there with him. To thank him I got him a DVD of one of his favorite movies, but (duh) he already had it. I gave him the reciept and hopefully he'll get something he doesn't have. His assistant, Shelby, is going to help me by getting some professionally printed labels for my DVD's and CD's, so that will most definetely help. OK, so here are some new years resolutions: I will be honest and try to always speak my mind (which I have been doing lately anyway, so it's not really a resolution so much as a continuing one), I will get my career to the next level: Comedy Central, Montreal, more high profile shows. I will also get the Skippy Greene show on its feet. Hmmm, anything else? Oh yeah...do you think Jennifer Anniston will dump Brad Pitt this year? If so, do you think she'll go for a slighty known comic with an 89th of his looks and/or money? I'm sure there are other resolutions, I just can't think of'em now. Well, today is my day is filled with so many exciting things, ready? I'm going shopping! Woo hoo! Doing laundry! Stand back! And I will probably be burning CDs! Hallelujah! All the best in '05 my friends. Oh, and if anyone had been following the saga of me and my friend from the last blog entry, he and I are A-OK now. Bye bloggies!