So things are going great over here. On a purely silly note, I just got Weird Al's new CD, "Straight Outta Lynnwood", and it's really good. Everytime I hear him, I always think about when I was a kid and I dreamed of being a performer like him, and how cool it would be to meet him one day. And now not only have I met him, I've toured with him and his drummer, Jon 'Bermuda' Schwartz and I are friends. I mean that's bizarre, no?

Well, I'm off to see a concert by Susan Egan, should a great show. Then I probably will hit the Improv and hang out a bit...Ooo, that's right.

The other night I went to the Improv and I ended up closing the late show. Again, it was just one of those nights where the comedian didn't show up and they thought of me and 'BOOM', I'm on stage. The funny thing (aside from me) was that I was a bit fucked up at the time, something I never do when I know I'm going up. But I handled myself pretty well; as a matter of fact, some people told me that that set was one of the better ones they've seen me do. Which leads me to two questions: 1-Am I funnier stoned? 2-Am I not so funny sober that me fucked up on stage was a funnier change of pace? Oh well, no time to stress about it now...Kelly LeBrock is half naked now.

9/25/06
I know, I know...it's been a long time since I've blogged. Well, I do have an excuse. I was staying at Club Med...no, that's not the best excuse...but they didn't have internet access so I couldn't post any blogs. Wow, what a week it was.

First of all, the place was fantastic. I swear to god, it was like camp; I never wanted to leave. The staff was so amazing, not to mention the women were beautiful, but since this is their off season, there was hardly anyone else staying there. So I got the full rum on the place. A good friend of mine, Michael, came up and we had a blast just making people laugh and making asses out of ourselves. I also got to learn how to water ski AND I conquered my fear of heights by swinging on a trapeze! No shit. I have video of it that I'll post soon. It really was an amazing moment to do that, I mean I was scared shitless.

Actually, the first time I tried, I couldn't even do it. I climbed up, about 40 feet in the air, and I was shaking and I kept saying, "I can't fucking do this! I can't fucking do this!" And they were trying to coach me off, but I just wouldn't. So I climbed back down; defeated. Meanwhile, Michael went up there, and despite his initial fear, he did it...and then did it again...and then he did this trick where he hung upside down and was caught by another trapeze artist. The other one was a professional. So they invited him to be in their show...and here I am thinking, "Fuck, I'm a pussy." So I promised myself that by the end of the week, I would do it. The next day, I went back...climbed up...and I DID IT! And then I did it 4 more times over the next few days. By the last time there was no hesitation to jump. I wasn't able to do the hanging thing, but I did try.

But like I was saying before, to actually face a fear and conquer it was amazing. It literally was like taking a giant leap of faith. In that situation, I knew logically that there was nothing to worry about. I was strapped into a safety harness and there was a net below me. But I had to actually stretch my arms out over an empty space to grab the bar. And that was the scary part. But I kept saying, "There's no way I can be hurt. They have me. Just do it." And I did. It was like a metaphor for anything...just know that you can't get hurt and take a chance. Somehow there's always a safety line that has you. Then again, the line could've broke and I could've fallen and broken my neck.

But then I could've sued the place and made a lot of money! See, there's always a bright side. Hm...club Flip has a nice ring to it.

In all seriousness, thanks again to the folks over there, I'm really going to miss you guys.

And the shows for the whole tour were fantastic. I swear, there's something going on when I get on stage lately. Something wonderful that I can't explain, I can only say that it's like walking into your house. It's familiar and comfortable; basically I'm home on stage. And when I'm home, I don't care what I do or say...I'm just myself. And that's one to grow on kids.

9/16/06
I tell ya, everytime I think I know what I'm doing as a comedian, I see a real comedian and it just makes me feel like I'm still an open miker. I'm watching George Carlin: Carlin on Campus and he is just brilliant. Fucking brilliant. And it was such an honor to open for him those few times. God damn is he great.

Tonight was great here in Melbourne; the crowd was awesome. But what made it even more special was that 2 of my old high school teachers surprised me by showing up to the show. I was so taken aback when then came up to me. These two teachers really made an impact in my life; actually only one was my teacher, the other was his wife. But either way, they were very cool in school and they're still teaching and still cool. Great seeing you guys.

I'm working with a really good comic and a nice guy, Darrin Meyer. We're having fun. Sunday we head on over to Club Med where we're staying for the next week...oh, what a life I'm forced to lead.

Well, I'm going to finish watching the special and go to bed. Night.

9/11/06
OK, first of all, I want to apologize for my last blog. After rereading it, I realized that I was way too harsh. I usually write these things in the heat of the moment, and that was definitely one of those moments. I want to say that I'm sorry to the woman who I was referring to, because I know she reads this and she did not deserve that kind of abuse. Not that some of the things she did weren't kind of shitty, but she was also sweet and she did buy me a drink initially. But I also have to say that it was a pretty funny blog entry due to the slight exagerrations I made. I mean this is the website of a comedian afterall, how boring would it be if I just constantly spewed out emotional dribble wihout any humor? Pretty damn boring if you ask me.

Well, I'm back at my parents house and I'm going to relax for a few days and then it's off to my first show of my Grouchos Comedy run in Cocoa Beach. It's funny that I'm doing this tour again, I haven't worked these rooms in like 7 years. I don't think of it as a step down or anything, it's more like a reunion. It should be fun to go back to these rooms I started at. Very mind trippy.

I'm going to cut this short. I've got some things to do.

It's hard to believe it's been 5 years since 9/11/01...very weird. God, I wonder what the next generation will think of it, or if they can even relate to it. I mean I can't really relate WW II or even Vietnam, understandably. No matter how many movies or documentaries I watch about it, it doesn't replace the feeling of being there or being alive at the time. 9/11 will always be with me. OK, now this blog is getting sappy and emotional, so I'll just leave with the message that the whole country is feeling:

Never Forget:

9/7/06
You'd think I'd have learned my lesson about cock teases. I mean afterall, I've been a comedian for over 13 years, I've traveled across this country and abroad, I've meet all kinds of women and have had all kinds of bullshit thrown at me. Yet...I still fall for it. What the fuck? Tonight I had a great show in Sarasota, it was really fun. After the show I went to a strip club with some folks and this one girl (I say girl, not woman, because I found out she is very immature) seems to be flirting with me. Long story very short, she drives me there and I pay for her valet, cover, and a lot of drinks..in the end, over $100 worth. And what happens? She ends up making out with "a friend" of hers. And he is the standard: 'muscle/club/idiot/womanizing/douche-bag' type of guy. And it's not his fault (although the fucker did cock-block me), but it's because she's a major cock-tease/whore. And I'm a fucking idiot for falling for it...AGAIN.

And you know what? I know better, my joke is true and yet I don't even learn from it. OK, here's a lesson to the young men reading this:

#1 - Always bring your own car. Listen, it's never a good idea to be at the mercy of someone else...especially the woman. Even if she says, "Hey, drive with me. We'll stay for an hour and then I'll bring you back. I mean seriously, I have to be up at 6:00 AM anyways." Don't believe it. First of all, she's not going to want to leave after an hour, she's too drunk on the drinks you bought her. And she'd rather go into work directly from the bar then leave before last call where she can sucker another dumb guy into buying her a $10 beer.

#2 - Don't buy her a drink unless you know for sure you're getting laid. Listen ladies, I hate to be such a blunt asshole about this, but it's the truth. A guy will not buy you a drink unless he's trying to fuck you; that's the truth. Unless you're a relative...and in some parts of the country, that doesn't matter much either. A guy will buy his guy friends drinks because it's a manly, bonding thing; and that's cool. But when it comes to you ladies, it's all about the nookie...and he wants it. So guys, I say just be honest with the ladies and say, "Look, I really think you're attractive and I really would like to have sex with you, or at least get to third base. If you would like that too, great, I'll buy you some drinks. But if you are not attracted to me, or don't think of me that way, that's fine...but I'm not buying you any drinks." Again, I'm sorry ladies, but you need to understand a man's mentality. Drinks are an investment, yes, it's an investment in you. And if you're not going to give us (for lack of a better term) "a profit" on our investment...then why invest? It would be like investing in a company that makes candy bars that taste like poo. You know that candy bar won't make you money, so why invest your money into it? Hmmm?

You know, I can hear the collective voices of the women reading this saying, "You fucking asshole! Not all women are like that!" You may think that, but ladies...mostly all women are like that. There are a few of you who may think and act differently, and to you ladies, I salute you because you're rare and wonderful.

#3 - Don't seriously consider dating any women under the age of 26. Again, I know I'm kind of generalizing here, but that's what I've come to find out. Most women under the age of 26 don't know who they are or what they want out of life and out of a man. When you're between 20 and 26, you're still discovering who you are. You're experimenting with men and with lifestyles, and you know what, that's fine. You're supposed to be confused and crazy at those ages. But guys, don't expect those women to be honest with you or themselves. They're in self-discovery mode. Now again, I know I'm generalizing here. My brother is engaged to a wonderful 24 year old who's rare because she's comfortable in who she is and she knows what she wants. That is rare; my brother basically found the Rosetta Stone of women. For most other women, they're not like that. And again, that's cool...you should be like that. But guys, know that with these women, you're getting a person who likes to party, fuck around and go for the guy with the looks, body and money...not the guy with the heart and soul. She'll realize that's more important when she gets into her late 20's/early 30's.

And I don't want to sound sexist here, it's the same thing for guys...only most guys who get into their 30's want the girls in their early 20's. And those girls want the money and prestige, so that's why you see young girls with older guys.

Guys are just as bad ladies, there's no denying it. And why are the guys that bad???? For that we go back to the beginning of this rant: THE PENIS! If a dog is man's best friend, the penis is man's worst friend. No pun intended, but the penis is a real prick. Again, see my joke for the explanation.

Well, I think I've ranted enough here and besides, it's 1:00 AM and I have to be up for radio in 7 hours, so I'm going to bed. I hope I've enlightened and educated the masses with this one. And remember, you guys learned this lesson for free...for me, it cost me $131.00. Fuck.

9/5/06
So I'm lying in my bed in my old room at my parent's house now...I'm so fucking bored. I have not left the house all day because I don't have a car, and now it's 11:00 PM and I need to get up early. Perfect, no? OK, let's think of happier things...

Thank you to everyone who MySpaced me after my performance on "Live At Gotham" on Friday. I was soooo happy with how it came out; one of my best TV sets. I honestly forgot most of what I did for that set, as I was watching it I was like, "Oh yeah! Hey, that did work really well." I also realized that my first 2 jokes were the exact same ones I did for my first set on "Last Comic Standing", but the rest were all new ones for TV. Well, I did do one of those jokes on Canadian TV...but that doesn't count. Kidding Canada! I got some great response from my "MySpace" joke...that's one of those jokes where even I had to say to myself, "Fuck that was clever." I remember I thought of that joke while walking from the Improv in Dallas back to my hotel. It just came to me and I got the biggest grin. What's that you say? You didn't see the show!? Well that's ok, just go to the Video Page and watch it.

That reminds me, I made all of my video and audio clips available to download. Some of them are being hosted on sites like Youtube, so those you can't download, but you can send them to your friends. Come on people, let's start spreading the word about the Flipster! Jesus, did I just call myself "the Flipster"? Damn, I must be tired. Yeah, it's from all of the sitting around I did today. Fuck, I hate wasting a day.

Well, I need to get up early tomorrow and drive about 4 hours to Sarasota, so I am going to start to get ready for bed. Hey, since I'm in my old room, maybe my mom can tuck me in? Well, since I'm also older, maybe instead of my mother I could get a whore to do the same thing....hey, I wonder if my high school girlfriend still lives around here!?

9/1/06
Greetings all, I'm just sitting here in my apartment waiting with baited breath for Live At Gotham to air...and I'm bored. I've got about an hour and a half. Usually I'd be getting ready to go the Improv to hang out, but I want to be here so I can make sure it records properly so I can upload it to my site. I know, I know...I'm Capt. Anal Retentive. Hey, at least I'm not Capt. Anal. Ba-Da-Bing!

Man, I slept HARD last night...11 and a half hours! I was feeling really shitty yesterday, so I guess my body needed that rest because (aside from being bored) I feel great.

OH, I put up a few clips from my shows in Stockholm. There's one more that I edited together but there's a problem with youtube; it's not making the video accessible. I'm working on it, I may just upload it to my server. In the meantime, check out those clips and a couple from my week at Tempe Improv.

Had some personal shit happen recently, kinda level 8 stuff so I won't be talking about it here. I can say that I am neither pissed nor surprised at how my life is in that arena. What arena you ask? The arena of the subject that I am not talking about. And that is that. :P

I'm getting hungry, I think I'm going to grab some grub and kill some more time. Hope everyone is watching! It's really cool and exciting...I'm on Comedy-Fucking-Central! For a little while I would use that credit because the movie I did, Big Trouble, was being played on the channel. So technically it wasn't a lie, but it was misleading, so I stopped using it. Now I can say proudly that I was. I'm really hoping that next year I can get a half hour special on Comedy Central; that's one of goals for next year. That and to get into the Montreal Comedy Festival. I've done a few festivals, but this is definitely at the top of the list. I would also love to do the Fringe Festival in England, and the Melbourne Festival in Austrailia. Hey, we all need goals, right?

OK, food time.