Oh yeah, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!

Let the love come pouring in. Actually, I've been getting non stop birthday wishes on my Facebook Page. Much love to all of my FBF (facebook friends).

I'm sitting here in my hotel room in Indianapolis right now. It's the second year in a row I've been doing a comedy competition on my birthday...last year was in Boston. I always feel great when I get to perform on my birthday; like it's the best present I can get...next to the amazing TV Allison's boss got us for our wedding; but it comes close.

The only thing that sucks is that I'm away from Allison. She's so amazing and understanding, and she threw me a great birthday party the other night. Love ya baby!

So anywho...I'm sitting here just waiting for the show, which isn't for another 4 hours. Oy. I left my hotel to get some food, but it is FUCKING COLD HERE! It's actually snowing, lightly, but still, it's snow. So I got some food and just decided to come back here since there is nothing within walking distance from the hotel.

Nothing like some good alone time. Get my thoughts together, especially since I've been going over my set. I only do 5 minutes tonight, and then if I - wait, when I advance to the next round, I do 8 minutes. Then, in the finals, I do 10 or something. Let's just wait to see what happens.

BTW, since I wrote that last paragraph, the whole "nice alone time" thing has turned to "Fuck, I hate this. I'm so bored". I guess I'm getting confused and crotchety in my old age.

Well, I'm going to watch a movie or something. I'll blog later.

11/1/11
Happy 11111 everybody! Won't happen for another 100 years.

So I'm writing from 35,000 feet in the air as I fly back to LA. I can't wait to see Allison & sleep in my own bed again. As much as I love traveling and working (and as much as I've needed the work), I do miss those little things. Not Ally; she's not a little thing, but sleeping in my own bed, driving my own car, watching my own porn.

I've been downloading a lot...and yes, that's both a literal thing and a euphemism.

This trip home will be very short lived though, in a week I go to Indianapolis and compete at the "Trial By Laughter" Competition. I'm excited about performing at a new club, but it sucks because it's falling on my birthday. This is the second year in a row that I'll not only be away for my birthday, but I'll be away because I'm competing. Last year it was for "The Boston Comedy Festival". But career is important and I have a very understanding lady. And after that I fly back to LA for 3 days, then it's off to NY for a college show (Bucknell U), then to NYC to hang out for a couple of days, then to Sweden and Finland!

Can't tell you how excited I am about that! I hope to see a lot of my Scandinavian friends there. Only 3 shows, but still, it'll be great.

Then it's back to Miami where...well, I'm actually not sure what I'll be doing there. I'm either going to working at some clubs, a cruise ship or going to Canada. I know, quite a diverse set of options.

"Hmmm, what's the best of the three: Working south Florida, a Caribbean cruise or Canada in December". Hell, for enough money I'll work a club in Kabul...I just have to be careful with that. You know that they say, "When you bomb in Kabul, you really bomb in Kabul!" :)

And in case you kinda missed that little tid bit of information a few sentences back, my birthday is coming up in 9 days. Nov. 10, that's the big day.

The other night I was brushing my teeth at my parents house and I saw my reflection and remembered looking in that exact mirror 20 years earlier when I was having my first birthday at that house. It's so weird how fast time flies.

I can remember when I was younger and older people would tell me, "Oh, you better take advantage of these times. You'll wish you had these days again when you're older. Etc...." And at the time, of course, I didn't really understand that. And I didn't really take advantage as much as I wish I did. I mean, it's hard to really comprehend that, at like 19 or 20, you're going to get older, you know? Like you logically "know" you are, but you can't grasp it. Now I know and grasp that concept. I know that I am and will continue to get older and I understand all of the good and bad things that come with it.

Today I saw this older woman who had was breathing with an oxygen pump or something that someone else was holding for her. That person had the pump in a carrying case strung over their shoulder and followed this woman. And she was all hunched over and was using a walker. I immediately thought about this woman, how when she was younger she probably never dreamed that this would be her future. How invincible you feel when you're younger and how life can quickly throw you for a loop. Disease, deterioration; anything.

I literally straightened my shoulders and thanked God (or whomever or whatever you believe in) that I am as healthy as I am. I mean I have my problems (asthma coming back in adulthood is a bitch, lemme tell you), but - knock on wood...or a plastic tray table - I'm doing alright.

I was thinking a lot about that when I was driving home with my mom and we passed the intersection where I had a really bad car accident many years ago.

Basically, I made a left turn and hit a car broadside. It was my fault. My car (a recently purchased 1985 camaro) was totaled.

I went to the hospital and I was fine. Shaken up and a little bruised, but fine.

I always felt that I was really lucky. And when I was talking about this with my mom she said something that I had never known. She told me that the police said that they had never seen an accident this bad where the driver wasn't hurt.

Hearing that made me realize just how lucky I am. I could've been seriously hurt; killed even. But I wasn't. Nothing. Not even a scratch. It made me think that I am here for a reason. Is that reason comedy?

I'd like to think that that has something to do with it, but I feel that there's so much more to come. There's something bigger that I'm supposed to do.

It might be as grand as having a child who will become President. "Please welcome President Skippy Schultz". What, I can't name my kid Skippy? Or something even simple, like changing a light bulb. I dunno, but I still think there's so much more to come. And I really have to remember that I'm lucky. Very lucky.

On a completely different note, Kim Kardashian's marriage lasted 72 days!? Seriously!? What a snotty little brat. Less than three months!

What a douche. C'mon Kim, you can't make it work???

So far the reasons I've read were that 1: She didn't want to move to Minnesota. That's a reason for ending a marriage!? Geography!? You're a fucking millionaire; have two houses. Compromise. IT'S A MARRIAGE!!!! 2: She felt her husband was becoming a fame whore. Talk about the pot calling the kettle a whore. Is she kidding!? She is the DEFINITION of "fame whore". Look in the dictionary under fame whore and it says: "Look at real whore", and there it says "Kim Kardashian". I'm sorry, but that's exactly what she is; a whore. She is a child of privilege who hasn't had to truly want for anything. She is Paris Hilton with bigger tits. She, like Ms. Hilton, got (in)famous because of a sex tape. A fucking sex tape. That's it! And because she is attractive and the daughter of an (in)famous lawyer and step daughter of a well known actor, her sex tape was a big deal.

WHORE! That's it.

And as far as I know, there's isn't any reason beyond those for her wanting a divorce. You stuck up bitch.

And I know there are sympathizers who are saying, "Hey, it's not our business...how dare you insult her like this...blah-blah-blah." To those I say, "Are you serious!?" They had a 10 million dollar wedding for a marriage that lasted 72 days!

TEN MILLION DOLLARS!

I'm sure that's bus fare to them, but that money could help a lot of people. Especially now with this country going down the drain both economically and morally, just giving that money to start a business, to give jobs; anything productive. But that money was just thrown away for ONE DAY of bliss that didn't even last a year!

These people have the morals of herpes!

It just angers me soooo much.

And when will we (and yes, I include myself in that) stop enabling all of this? Stop watching the show! Stop making them rich! Stop putting these sleazy, false celebrities on a pedestal! And again, I include myself in this because I'm talking about it on stage and keeping the topic of "them" current. But I do not ever watch the show; I couldn't care less.

I mean what has KK done to make this world a better place? I'm sure they donate money to charity (which is very good of them), but it's not all of the money that she's gotten because of her fame. I'm sure it's barely a dent in her bank account.

And that's another thing, we are paying for her life style at this point. STOP! Why is that show even on!? I have this joke that was initially written about those shows that show how celebrities live ("Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous", "The Fabulous Life of ...", etc.) and her show is the same. The only difference is that instead of a show where each episode highlight's a few famous people, her's showcases HER! EVERY SHOW!

WHO CARES!?

Why should we (a country in a recession with 9-10% unemployment) give a shit about a rich whore, her rich family and the wacky adventures that ensue!? Why not have a show where we see George Clooney fuck a different model every week and just call it "Ha Ha! This Isn't You!"

OK, I've been ranting for awhile now and I think I'm done. Wow, quite a little blog, huh? I guess when I've got 6 hours to kill on a flight I just can't stop myself.

Well, I'm going to call it a day for this blog and watch a movie or something. I've only got about 3 hours left...which is only slightly shorter than KK's marriage -

Sorry, thought I was done with that; guess I had one more in me....which was what KK said after she fucked the rest of the basketball team.

Hey-Oh!