5/28/05
So I get an email today from a mystery person who tells me that I sound kinda wimpy and pussy in my last blog entry, and that I'm not that funny in these things. Well, I appreciate your opinion, but hell, this blog is supposed to be theraputic and a way for me to vent. I can get funny, but sometimes I get deep and serious, and other times, fuck, I just ramble with no real focus. As for me sounding wimpy, I didn't want to be percieved like that, I was just venting about some feelings I'm having. Hell, for all you know, I could be making this stuff up to gain sympathy and some pity fucks...hmmm, you never know, now do you? Well, I'm going to try to be funny now, just for you my mysterious lurker. OK, so...A guy walks into a bar...wait, that's an old one. Try this...A priest, a nun and a rabbi are...wait, that sucks too. You know what, fuck you mysterious writer. Fuck you. All I'm doing is going about my day, writing in here to keep you people entertained with my musings and ventings, and you dare come along and critique me!? Who do you think you are!? I hope you all know that I am joking, right? Seriously. See, here's where I need that sarcasm font. OK, this will be the sarcasm font: sarcasm font So, let's do that last thought again in the new sarcasm font: You know what, fuck you mysterious writer. Fuck you. All I'm doing is going about my day, writing in here to keep you people entertained with my musings and ventings, and you dare come along and critique me!? Who do you think you are!? There, now that was entertaining. I am tired, was at Xanadu for awhile, hung out and then went to Canters Deli with some friends. So I'm tired and full...lovely. Oh, and I officially have the dates for the Skippy Greene show, and here is a poster that I made for the show. The final one will hopefully look a little sharper than this, but I don't think it's too bad for a first version. Night.

5/27/05
I don't know what is in the air lately, but all of my shows this week have been great. All the Ontario shows (except for that late night Friday), then the show in Mill Valley and tonight I ended up going on twice at the Improv, and they were all fantastic. Tonight's late show was for the Latino Comedy Night, and it was great. The booker was even doing a "we're not worthy" bow when I came off stage. It was really cool. And Mill Valley, oh my god, Mill Valley. What a show! The crowd was amazing, the venue was perfect and the show was taped! Hehehehe. Thanks again to Mark Pitta for putting me on the bill. I also got to explore a bit of San Francisco's Fisherman's Warf. What a beautiful place. I took a bunch of pictures that I'll be posting soon. Other than that, let's see...well, I mentioned in my last, brief post that woman suck ass. I guess I should explain. I was upset that day because a girl (not woman) that I went out with a few times, who really fucked with me, called me out of the blue and upset me again. Here, this is from a post I did on the message boards that day, this'll explain it better:

Why do women insist on driving men crazy?
I got a call today from someone who I went out with a few times and who seemed to like me. Then she kinda withdrew for a few weeks, said nothing was wrong...she's just "busy". Come to find out that she's into someone else. OK, I'm hurt and pissed, why the hell couldn't she tell me this originally.
Cut to today, she calls and I ask her for a book back (The Christopher Reeve bio, 'Still Me', great book) and she says she'll get it to me. I ask how the other guy is, she tells me, "Oh, we have nothing in common. But now I'm dating someone else." Well...
THEN WHY THE FUCK WAS I SO EXPENDABLE THAT YOU'D THROW ME AWAY FOR SOMEONE THAT YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH!?

I'm pretty much over it now, but at the time, I was pissed. I've just been in that mood lately when it comes to women. I do a bit in my act where I talk about my parents being married for 32 years and how my dad did something really special for their 30th anniversary...those in the know, know the bit. But I start out by saying that I'm the only person in my family who isn't with someone now...and it's true. Yes, I know I live a completely different life than anyone in my family, but that still doesn't make it any easier. Coupled with that, I'm in contact with an ex right now, and we're getting along fine, but she's telling me that she's seeing her ex (the one after me) and for some reason it irked me. I know I'm not in love with her anymore, so it's not that. But for some reason, it bothers me to know that. I told her that I don't want to know any of the details because it bothers me. She even asked me why, and I couldn't give her any reason other than, "it just does." I had an idea as to why I'm uncomfortable about it, and I hope I'm wrong, but I think that deep down I'm wondering why I couldn't have been the one that she wanted to go back to. Why not me? Not that I necessarily would've done anything had she said that to me, but why didn't she? I really do want to be ok with it, it would be nice to have absolutely no feelings toward her at all, other than just friendship. I really want that. But I can't help what I feel, and for now, I can't do anything about it. I'm hoping that with time I'll be fine. It's weird too because she said she doesn't feel weird at all when I tell her about woman that I've been with. I'm honestly a bit hurt...why you ask? Well let me tell ya. I think that the fact that her dating other guys can still bother me 5 years after we broke up is a testament to how much I was in love with her. I mean that's deep love people. And the fact that she doesn't get irked when I talk about it, well, that might mean she was never in love with me as much as she said she was. Now it can also mean that since I haven't had a serious girlfriend since her, I'm still feeling something for the last love I had. And since she's had a boyfriend and another love after me, she got over all that love for me. I don't know, I'm over-analyzing now. The point is that I don't have a girlfriend and the last girl that I was in love with is fucking someone else. Cruel fate...fuck fate, cruel bitch. ;) Oh, on a completely different note, I came up with a bit tonight five minutes before I went on stage and I opened with it...and it fucking killed. It's a joke about how Paris Hilton is in a new commercial for a fast food chain called Carls Jr. In the commercial she's washing a car, getting all wet, and eating a burger. So I said that the commercial worked for me. Right after I saw the commercial, I got in my car, drove to Carls Jr., got a burger and then fucked the shit out of it. I know, I'm sick but it worked. OK kids, I think I'm going to call it a night. I gotta tell ya, just venting about the ex stuff helped me a bit, thanks for reading. I'm off to think about Paris Hilton and my ex and jerk off like an epileptic gorilla!

5/25/05
I don't really have the energy to talk a lot now. I've been driving for 8.5 hours today from San Francisco (thank you to Jeff for taking the drive with me), so I'll sum up the last few days with this:
1-Mill Valley, CA rocks!
2-San Francisco was beautiful!
3-Woman suck ass!
I'll elaborate tomorrow. Night.

5/22/05
Thank you Ontario for an outstanding week! Especially the staff, such a great bunch of people who know how to make a guy feel welcome. Yesterday's shows were great and tonight's was especially. Last night after the show I got on stage and just did some free styled rap while the staff cleaned up, and everyone was like, "Wow, you're really good. You should do that on stage." So tonight I said fuck it and I closed my show doing some free style rap and I incorporated what I said during my set. I've got to say it was pretty good. I have it on tape but I'm not sure if I'll post it on the site since you guys didn't see the whole show and therefore wouldn't get some of the jokes. But I probably will be posting some new video and audio from this week. I got some video of Pablo fucking around on stage too, so I'm going to put that up as well. Well, I hate to cut this short, but I'm really tired, I didn't get to sleep until 6 am this morning...and it wasn't from a lack of trying. I just had one too many red bulls and I couldn't fall asleep. I tell ya, the worst feeling in the world is trying to fall asleep as the sun's coming up. That and getting your balls caught in a car window...but that's another story. I won't be posting for a few days, I'm going to San Francisco tomorrow and I'm not bringing my lap top. So until we meet again...keep reaching for the stars. Did I just write 'reaching for the stars'? Who the fuck am I, Casey Kassum?

5/20/05
I am really pissed. OK, I don't know where to begin, I just hate comics who have an ego that must always be fed. Basically, there were 2 guest sets that went up on both shows tonight. Guest sets are comics that aren't on the bill but go up and do a short set. So one of the guys was there to do like a preview of a show he's doing at the same club next month...ok, understandable. Fine. But the other guy has no reason to be going up, but he's a friend of Pablo's and Pablo is too nice of a guy to say, "Hey, you know what, the show is running long, why don't you sit this out?" Now before I continue, this guy is a friend of mine too, he's a nice guy and he's funny, but he should've known better. Anyway, on the first show, the host went up, did his time, then the guy who's got his show coming up, he did his spot. Then I went up and had a great time. While I'm stage, Pablo arrives with his friend, and they go into the green room. So anyway, I get off stage and then I was expecting the host to bring Pablo up, but nope, he brought the other guest set up. You don't do that! The show is designed to build: You have the host, then the guest set, then the feature (me) and then the headliner. You don't put up a guy to do 8 minutes after the feature just did 25, that fucks everything up! And he no reason to do it, none. The only reason was his ego, and that's fucked up. So the show ends and, long story short, the next show starts an hour late. Now, one would think that with this, they would not allow the guest sets and just do a straight show, but nope! Both of the guest sets went up and it was like 40 minutes before I got on stage, and the crowd was tired...and rightfully so. They had been waiting in line for one to two hours, and then had to get seated, so that's 3 hours of just shitting around. And then they're hit with 3 comics who did great, but wore them out. So I get up there and I'm doing fine for the first 15 minutes or so, and then they just fart out. So I walk off the stage feeling really shitty about my set and cursing the guest sets. Now, again, I don't want to sound like a bitter fuck or anything, or that I hate these guys, I don't. They're both really nice and really funny, but as a comic they should've known proper protocol when it comes to these kinda situations. I know if it was me, I'd like to think that I'd say, "Hey, the show's starting late, I don't need to get up there." Don't get me wrong, if there's a chance to get on a stage, I'm taking it, but if it's a situation like this, I would give up my time for the sake of the show. And I'm sure my set wasn't as bad as I'm remembering it, but I just know how I felt as I walked off, and that was lousy. Although I did sell some merchandise, which shocked the hell out of me. Oh, and I guess I lied, I haven't been doing the 'Dream Hollywood' bit, it's just too much of a thinking joke for this crowd. No offense to the nice folks of Ontario, but you like the high energy bits that don't require too much thinking outside of the box. I think that bit is reserved for LA and the next time I do a TV spot. Well, I'm tired and my cats are going to wake me up in 3 hours to eat. God I hate cats...almost as much as guest sets. Kidding guys, kidding.

5/18/05
Another great show with Pablo tonight, many thanks to the folks in Ontario. I've still got 6 more...can't wait. No matter how shitty I might feel, when I get on a stage in front of a great crowd, it all goes away and I feel fantastic...until I come home and realize I have to clean cat shit. The "Dream Hollywood" joke didn't do that well tonight, I don't know, it might just be an LA joke. The comics all love it, so I know it's a great joke. (see previous entries to see what I mean by that) But it's such a 'thinking' kind of joke, that maybe people are thrown, I don't know. Somebody there told me that the crowds are mostly blue collar folks who just don't get it, I don't know, I'd like to give them more credit than that. It will be my mission to make this joke work for everyone and yet not change the integrity of the joke. That will be a challenge, I could easily throw in something to dumb it down, or I could throw in some extra dirty words and make it an easy laugh, but I won't. This joke is like my prize pupil, and damit, I'm not changing it for anyone. So here me now world, the "dream hollywood" joke will either kill or fail, but it won't change! I feel like I should break out into song now, like Evita: "Don't laugh at jokes about farting, the truth is they're really cheap. I want to tell jokes, that have smart meanings. About Hollywood..and dreaming..." Yeah, that was stupid. I could easily go and erase that, but then that would be cheating, now wouldn't it. Watched tonight's episode of Lost, my God do I love that show! It's sooooooo fucking good! The season finale is next week, can't wait. Then I have to go a whole summer without it...boo-hoo-hoo. Change of subject, but if any of you want to come to LA, let me tell you one essential thing you're going to need, a picnic basket. Why you ask? Well, that's for when you're stuck in LA traffic, you can have a meal with you to tide you over. I drove 55 miles today from my apartment to the club, it took me 2 1/2 hours! I fucking hate LA for that one reason. Fuck a duck! I'm going to leave earlier tomorrow and just see a movie there, the club is right next to a theatre. When I got there tonight, there were hundreds of people waiting in line to see Revenge of the Sith. They're all like, "Oh my god, I can't wait!" Hey...Chester...you know what, this isn't the only time the movie's going to be shown! "Yeah, but it's the first showing and I was here! What a story, huh?" Oh yeah, I'm sure that'll be a great story to tell your grand kids. "Grandpa, what was the most exciting thing you ever did?" "Well, back in 2005, I saw Revenge of the Sith the first day it opened. I remember I was a young lad of 41. That morning I woke up in my parents basement where I had been living for the past 41 years..." Of course that's a bit of an exaggeration...this guy would have to had sex in order to have grand children.

5/16/05
Why do I do the things I do to myself? Why do I go up at 2 open mikes that will really do nothing to further my career? Why?...because I gotta. Tonight I experienced two distinct sides of a crowd. First I did a spot at the Ramada for (I'm not joking here) 2 comics and 4 'real' people. But the real people were not from America and barely spoke English. I don't really think about how much pop culture references are in my act until I'm talking to a bunch of people who don't get'em. They don't know who Dr. Suess is, or American Idol, or 'The Runaway Bride', it's very awkward. Even the stuff that I thought they'd get, they didn't. So I left there and then me and Eric Schwartz went to a true open mike; not just comedy, but music and poetry as well. Now this was the exact opposite, instead of playing to a quiet room full of people who didn't speak English, I was now in a crowded bar full of loud people talking English to each other! It was like a shitty one-nighter. I had the same feeling I do when I'm on the road and I don't want to go on stage because no one is listening. But in those situations, the club owner tells them to shut up or leave and I have 45 minutes to get'em, and, most importantly, I get paid. But tonight, tonight no one was going to tell them to be quiet because it's a bar, not a comedy club or even a comedy night. The owners want people to enjoy themselves, and if talking makes them happy, great. For the most part though, the loud people were in the back of the bar, but when I got on stage, about 20 of them came in to order their drinks...peeerfect. Plus, during my set, the music came on and completely threw off any rhythm I had. I actually started call bingo numbers during that, just so I wouldn't look completely idiotic up there. But in the end, it's all for a greater good, right? I try to take positive things out of negative situations, and what I took out of this was this: "Practice, practice, practice." Not every venue is the Improv, not every crowd is like Pablo's, there are rooms where people not only don't want to laugh, they're not there to laugh. And it is my job as an entertainer to make them listen and laugh. Hell, it's my job as someone who prides themself on what they do to make them listen and laugh. If I walked out of either of those gigs, I would've felt defeated. Well, not defeated, but definetely uneasy. There are sometimes when I don't feel like performing, and in those cases, I don't need to hit the stage. But if the only thing keeping me from taking the stage is a fear of bombing, well hell, I should get out the business right now. (I can hear the chants of "No!" that all of you are screaming now...) I had a thought about that show though. I know that as a comedian, I go on the road and make money at the clubs, it's my job, it's how I make my living. And the singers, they can tour in a band, or sing at a lounge, they can make their living doing music. So comics and musicians, even at an open mike, can still make a living doing their thing. But what about the poets? I don't recall ever seeing a "Poetry Club" in most cities. I've never seen "PTV" or "Poetry Central". I know there's the Def Poetry Jam thing, but that's a handful of people. What do these poets who go to these open mikes do? Wow, that was funnier in my head. But it's a real thought, what the hell do they do? And how does one decide they want to be a poet? I know I was a kid when I decided I want to be a comic. My friends would say, "Hey Flip, tell us a joke", and I would and they'd laugh. Does that happen to a poet? "Hey Bobby, tell us a poem....Dude, you're so fucking good at rhyming and being angry. You should do that for a living." You think? I dunno. I hated the venue tonight, not because of the ambiance, but because it was that typical "LA" bar thing. I hate those places. Loud, expensive, shallow and stupid. Here's a little children's story about the typical "LA" bar scene:

"See John...See Carmen...See John see Carmen....See Carmen see John...See John walk over in a tight shirt...See Carmen turn to John while her mini skirt barely covers her snatch...See John spend $200 on drinks for Carmen...See Carmen drink all of the drinks and flirt...See John turn to his friends and wink as if to say, 'Score!'....See Carmen turn to her friends and wink as if to say, 'Fucking idiot!'...See John try to get Carmen's number....See Carmen say, 'Why don't you give me yours?'...See John say, 'No, come on, let me have yours'....See Carmen say, 'Oh, ok.', and give John the number to the local Pizza Hut....See John think, 'Score!'...See John walk Carmen out and try to kiss her....See Carmen's friends come and grab her by the arm to get her home because, 'She's my girl and she's drunk'....See John's friends come and try to wing man John by talking to Carmen's fat friends...See Carmen eventually leave with her friends...See John leave with his friends...See Carmen completely drunk having not spent a dime on drinks....See John open his wallet to see that he doesn't have enough cash to pay the valet guy...See Carmen and her friends drive home to their beach front condo laughing at the idiot guy who thought he was gonna get laid....See John go back to his parent's guest room where he's been living for 26 years, jerk off and cry. The End"

Does that pretty much clarify it? Night kids.

5/14/05
My thanks again to comedy-gags-jokes.com for their review of another of my CDs, Ribbed For Your Pleasure. Their reviews are always good, impartial and fair...dear God I sound like I'm trying to pick a jury or something. I was actually trying to think of something to talk about tonight, and I think I might have something...cycles. "Wow Flip, what brought this up?" Glad you asked...recently someone from my past has come back into my life. And let's just say that this person and I haven't had the most stable relationship, and whenever they come back into my life, it's always good for awhile and then it turns to shit. So I'm wondering if I should even bother trying to keep them in my life when it always falls apart anyways. It's weird too because we've always had a closeness that, at some points, seemed down right creepy. I mean we got along, we had so many likes and dislikes and when we went out, we just had a great time. But this person always did something to fuck it up, and I always felt either betrayed, used or just plain angry. And it would stress me out, and then when we stopped communicating, I was fine. And then times goes by, I grow, they grow...I change, they change...and somehow we start talking again, and then it's good, then it turns to shit...etc. So I guess I have to decide if I want to take a chance again or just nip it in the bud. But can I base this on the past? People change, right? I'd like to think so. This person and I have been talking again for a couple of weeks, and it's great, but there's that worry in the back of my head, you know? I hope it goes away, but I think I have every right to feel it. I think they know it too. And if they're reading this (which would really surprise me), I'm sorry, but that's how I feel. So what do you, my loyal bloggers, think? Post away on the boards. I'm getting fat. I decided to only have 5 drinks a week and when I go to the gym, do a lot more. Now I just do like 30 minutes of cardio and a few minutes of weights...it's almost pointless. I'm really going to do this. The next time you see me at a club, you'll see a difference, that's a promise. OK, I just promised...it's there, on my site forever. Of course I could go and change it...but I won't...or will I? Hell, for all you know I've already changed this a few times. For all we know, the whole world is a blog and some master web-master is constantly changing us. Let that fuck with your mind for awhile. Night.

5/12/05
Before anyone asks, I don't know why the message boards are down and it's pissing me off too. If they're not up by tomorrow, then I'll get in touch with someone over there and ask some hard hitting questions. Also, since a few days have been lost, the "posting contest" will be extended for how ever many days the boards were down. I had a great night tonight, I went to a friends place and just hung out in their hot tub for a couple of hours and talked. It was really nice...not to mention that she looked great in a bikini. :D But we're just friends, :( I've got to be honest though, what was so great about it was that we had an amazing conversation. My God, I think talking with an interesting woman can be just as (if not more) of a turn on that sex appeal. You know those conversations where everything is just flowing and there is not one down moment? Where the subjects are not superficial and surface, but they're deep, wonderfully colorful conversations that make you think and then you just drown in the language and the moment. God, I haven't had a talk like that for a long time. And we weren't even high! So thank you my friend for the great talk. We're actually getting together tomorrow too, she's coming with me on a last minute gig I got a college here. My friend, Mark Eddie, is headlining and asked if I wanted to come along and do some time and he'd throw me a couple of bucks...hell yeah! I went and did some recording for National Lampoon Radio and something else (I'm not allowed to talk about it yet), and it turned out to be fan-fucking-tastic! We got it on tape so when I get a copy of it, I'll put it up on the site. OK, I'm really tired now, you know that relaxed/blah/tired you get after sitting in a hot tub, I'm there now, so I'm signing off.

5/11/05
I realize that I have been skipping every other day lately, sorry. I just get home late and pass out, and I actually feel guilty about not posting. How weird is that, this blog thing has become something that I feel I have to do all the time. I want to thank my friend Emery for getting me into a private showing of the movie The Aristoctrats, it was sooo fucking good. This movie is a must see for anyone who: A-Loves comedy B-Loves comics just shooting the shit C-NOT offended by bad language, but instead revels in it. This movie is a documentary basically about this one joke called 'The Aristocrats'...and no, I'm not going to tell it, actually, that's the point. Every comic has their own way of telling it, to quote Penn Jillete from the movie, it's like when a musician plays a song, the song might be the same but every musician tells it differently. It's so true. And what was also cool is that the director, Paul Provenza, sat right next to me and Drew Carey sat right in front of me. Always a star fucker. After that I went to a place called Myagi's, they do comedy there, and I ended up going on. This seemed to be a shit gig, but it was fun, I actually surprised myself by getting laughs in that place, even an applause break. The "Moses Morrison" and "Dream Hollywood" bits worked great (I know, dangle, dangle, dangle Jennifer) and I closed on a bit about the runaway bride. Actually it was based on a blog entry I made about her. Wow, that's the second joke that I've gotten from just stream of conscious writing...hmm...I wonder if I'll come up with something brilliant tonight, let's see....uh....poopie...nope. Afterwards I hung out with comedian Ty Barnett, and we just shot the shit and talked comedy. This was one of those nights where it's all fun; doing a set, having a drink and getting a bite to eat at 1:00 AM. This is the night that I think Sinatra and his Rat Pack had. Sometimes it really does feel like that, like I'm Sinatra, or Milton Berle, and in the future when I'm really successful and my friends are too, we'll be hanging out and remembering this. Aw hell, even then we'll all still be hitting Canters deli or Swingers cafe at 2 AM, still shooting the shit and ordering food we shouldn't be eating so late. My God, I'm such a Jew. "Don't eat that, it's so late and you'll have nightmares." Oh, that reminds me of a dream that I had last night, and it's funny too because I thought about adding this to the "Dream Hollywood" bit. But at the end of my dream, I seem to remember that I was kinda getting ready to leave, from where, I have no idea. But I just remember that I was in the middle of something and then I suddenly stopped, got out of whatever predicament I was in and started to talk to someone, but I (being me who was dreaming) couldn't see who it was. And then I woke up. And I had this thought that the 'me' in my dream knew I was about to wake up, so 'I' was wrapping up my dream. Like as if I was on a TV show and the director said 'Cut!', and I stopped acting and was talking to someone off camera. I literally think my brain, the director of my dream, said, "OK, he's about to wake up, that's a wrap." And 'I' wrapped and then I woke up. Weird huh? Not weird? OK, crazy, huh? No? OK, I really should be smoking pot to think of this shit, huh? THERE WE GO!

5/9/05
I am so happy to see that the posting on the message boards has gone up since I announced the contest. For those of you who don't know, I'm having a contest this week for the person who posts the most posts on my message boards. The winner gets a CD. Now, to post doesn't mean a one or two word post, I mean you have to start topics, respond, chat, get something going. Anywho, there are a couple of people who are very close, I'll probably post an update tomorrow or the next day. So if you're not posting, you're missing out on a chance to win a CD. Did I mention it's a Yanni CD? Tonight was fun, I went to the Ramada but there was no audience so the show was cancelled...second time that's happened when I've been there. I don't mind performing to 6 people, just so long as they want to laugh, you know? I've had small crowds who were the most generous people in the world and I've been in front of 400 people who just did not want to laugh. It's interesting. So I was on my way home and I decided to check out another comedy room right by my place. Now I had heard about this place for years, but never went. I gotta say it's a really nice room, the place was packed with people and there were even 5 or 6 who stayed until the very end. So I'm going to call the booker to get a spot. It's cool, another room to practice that's right by me. I've been feeling really bored lately. I don't do too much with my day and I'm starting to get antsy. That happens to me when I get off of a long road tour. Like when I'm on the road, I know that during the day I could just relax because at night I have a show; it's something to do. So my whole day is spent preparing for that, or watching a movie, etc. But that's all I have the power to do, you know? Because I'm at a hotel or some place where I don't have a car, so my options are pretty limited. But then when I get back home, suddenly I have all the means to go places and do things, but not the motivation because I'm still in that mental state of "relaxing and preparing", only now there's nothing to really prepare for. So I need to get myself going. I am getting ready for a meeting this Wed. with the director, videographer and actor who are helping with the Skippy show. That's exciting...no sarcasm. Tonight at this place, these 2 comics stopped me and were like, "Oh my god, it's you. You're the guy who does that Skippy thing. THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME!!!" I don't know what it is about that character that people either relate to or latch on to or just enjoy, but it's fun and flattering to be complimented like that. I've got to find a venue now, that's going to be tough. Shit, I'm getting all boring now, sorry. Damn, I really need to have some kind of emotional break down or something to get this blog going. Fuck. It's also 2:40 in the morning, so my mind is kinda shit right now. I did have a random thought, did you ever think how when you think, it's all in a voice? I mean your thoughts are conveyed and understood because you think them verbally. And it's your voice that's doing it. But it doesn't have to be, you can have any voice in your head. You can have a conversation with Tony Blair if you know what he sounds like. Hell, you can sound like anyone...you can have your thoughts sound like Al Pacino. Just imagine Al Pacino's voice thinking your thoughts: "I'm hungry! I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and I want it now! Hoo-ah!" I know that's not very funny, but it's just an interesting, random thought. Right now, as I type this, I'm thinking these words in 'Edith Bunkers' voice, and it's fucking hilarious! Now you're all probably thinking, 'Wow, he is fucking crazy'...but you don't have to think it as you! OK, I'm rambling and I'm crazy....night!

5/7/05
This is a day that I'm happy to be living in LA. Right now I'm at a Starbucks, sitting outside, typing away on my laptop and it's just stunning. Perfect weather; sun and a nice breeze, and a cup of green tea, what could be better? Ah yes, a woman and money. OK, so it's not quite perfect, but damn close. Last night I had my spot at the Comedy Union, which went really well. The mike broke about 2 minutes into my set, but I went on without it, like a pro. I did a few new jokes, and I'm telling you, the "Dream Hollywood" and "Moses Morrison" ones are starting to find their legs and they are quickly becoming staples in my act. I went to the Improv afterwards where I met up with a friend and had a rather heated discussion about politics. Actually, I was just reading how Bush is lecturing Putin in Russia about the importance of democracy and letting the people have their own voice and freedom. Does anyone else find this ironic, hypocritical and just plain ballsy? Didn't he put the "Patriot Act" into law? The act that takes away a lot of our democratic rights and freedoms under the guise of protection? Isn't that a wee bit of fascisim? Didn't this President win an election by halting the counting of votes and therefore silencing the voices of many citizens? And even Putin commented that he's angry that he's being chastized about democracy from a man who won an election that was decided by the Supreme Court. I'm not saying that what Putin is doing is right, but Bush should take his own advice and start working to fix up some shit on his own turf. That's like Scott Peterson giving marriage counseling. And now he's fucking up whatever relationship we had over there. I was having a discussion about politics with a friend last night who was defending the war. I agree that Saddam needed to be removed, but to go there without the sanctions of the United Nations and to go in with only one major ally, fucking a! And now how many people are dead? And he (Bush) lied to us to make this invasion seem necessary and urgent. Any WMD's? Uh, nope! Fucking asshole....NEwho. The night got much less heated as time went on, God bless alcohol. Actually I think I'm going to cut down on my drinking, not that I drink a lot by any stretch of the imagination, but it's enough to where I'm sleeping too late and spending too much money...not to mention I'm trying to stay in shape. And it's hard to keep in shape when I'm drinking 2 Guiness's a night...I love that stuff. So today I'm just relaxing and doing some writing. Oh yeah, I'm writing some funny movie reviews for a brand new project! I can't really talk much about it now, but in the coming months, you'll be hearing more. Actually, now that I think about it, I can put up a few clips of some of the stuff I've been doing for this project. Look for new clips in the coming week...see what I do for you guys? I'm a little disappointed that the posts on the message boards have dropped off a bit. Don't let it die people. Tell ya what I'm going to do, I'm going to have a contest! Go the boards and see what it is. Let that be a lesson kids, if all else fails...bribe'em!

5/5/05
HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO! Tonight I felt like Jerry Seinfeld...not cause I'm a comic, but because things just worked out for me. Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld where everything evened out for him: He lost a gig and then got a gig, he lost $20 and then found $20, etc. Well, tonight I was scheduled to do a show in Santa Monica, so I go down there only to find out that it had been cancelled. So I call the booker and she apologized that she didn't call me, and then put me down for next week..ok. I was a bit upset because I wanted to try some newer bits and work them out, but what'cha gonna do, right? So I drive down to the Improv to hang out. So I'm sitting with some friends when the showroom manager calls me over and asks if I want to do some time. It seems they were running short and needed a comic, so low and behold, I went up! Yay! And it was Latino night too...and the gringo killed. I said that I wished I was Mexican...but I'm a Jew, so that would make me Jexican. And what's a Jexican? Someone who sells oranges at a retail price? Yeah, I know, funny guy. I helped edit a buddy of mine's CD today. I still find it hard to believe that I know what I'm doing when it comes to all that technical shit. I just realized how much of a non-sequiter that last bit was..."Hey, I performed on Latino Night - I edited a friends' CD" Sorry for the quick change. Damn am I tired, that really weird tired that just hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm feeling kinda loopy...man, I am going to sleep hard tonight. Well, not hard...or at least not on my stomach. Oh, I'll tell you something that wigged me out a bit today. I'm chatting online with my cousin, and she's a young lady, in her early teens, but she's also my little cousin no matter how old she gets. I mean I was there when she was born, I've seen her and her younger brothers grow up. So we're chatting and she seemed kinda upset, so I asked if she wanted to talk, and she said that she didn't want to upset me and fuck up my show. And I was like, "Did she just type 'fuck'? Where the fuck did she learn that word?" Seriously though, it wigged me out. Not that I'm a prude...heaven KNOWS I'm anything but. But she's my little cousin, she can't be cursing. Then I thought, no, she's at that age, I'm sure she's heard those words for a few years now, so she's using them. And I didn't say anything like, "Hey, watch your mouth", but it did throw me off. I don't know if you guys have younger siblings, nieces, nephews, kids, etc., but when you hear them curse you realize that a little bit of their innocence is gone. Long story short she's my new writer. She's got a fist-fuck joke that'll knock your socks off. Night.

5/4/05
I'm not really in the mood to spew anything profound tonight, sorry. I'm tired. I did a show at the Improv tonight, hosted the college show, it was really fun. I came up with a funny line on stage, "Once you go Jew...your taxes are fucking perfect!" Yeah, cheap laugh, I know, but it was fun. But like I said, I'm tired, so I'm cutting this way short. Hope you guys are doing well...just a sidenote, my bedroom door just shut itself. I'm pretty sure it was the breeze coming in through my window, but when that happens at 2:15 in the morning, it's still creepy. Well, now that I've scared the shit out of myself, I'm off to bed, night.

5/3/05
Sometimes I forget that I live in such a beautiful place. Not LA specifically, but California, damn is it beautiful here. Today I did something so fun and relaxing, I went bike riding along the beaches from Venice to Santa Monica to Malibu. Seeing the ocean, the sun, the breeze, everything, just amazing. I went with a friend who I met almost 8 years ago when I did summer stock in Galveston Island, TX. I brought along my photo album from back then and we just laughed about how long ago it was. It's amazing, time. I mean you're a teen one day, the next you're forty. I know I've posted about this before, but it's right after you get out of school, that's when it all starts to move at lightning pace. It's scary, it really is. I mean 8 years ago I was doing musical theater, just finished college and was about to start doing comedy full time. Now...hell, now I've been a comic for so long, I don't even remember my life before it. Does that happen for you guys too? If you're at a job that you've been at for a long time, do you remember ever having a job before that? Like I know that I had many jobs before I was able to do comedy full time, but they're kinda sketchy. Like I know I worked at McDonalds for awhile, and I remember being there, but I can't believe that it was real. It just seems like comedy is all I've ever done, that having other jobs or a life without comedy is impossible to comprehend now. But like I said, I do remember having the jobs, god did I have some weird jobs. Let's see if I can remember all the jobs I've ever had. I worked for a guy who rented out horses for kids birthday parties, and I would lead the kid on the horse around in a circle for a minute. Then there was McDonalds...I was the clean up guy, or "ratboy" as they called it. Then there was Chick-fil-A, actually, Chick-fil-A was before McDonalds. Hmm....I worked at a grocery store, a movie theater. I had several jobs where I dressed up as costumed characters: I was the 'Genie' from Aladdin, 'Simba' from the Lion King, I was Chuck-E-Cheese for 2 and a half years, I was Bo K. The Bunny who was the mascot for a flower company, and I worked for this company that had the shittiest costumes ever. They didn't have the right to call the characters by the real name, so instead of Barney, I was "The Purple Friend"...really a "double meaning" kinda name there huh? I'm surprised that based on the name alone, I wasn't sent to a bachelorette party. I was "The Friendly Mouse" (aka, Mickey) and this costume consisted of me wearing my tuxedo with clown shoes, white gloves and a head that they made that was fucking scary as hell. It was made of newspaper or something and the head was gigantic, but the ears were teeny-tiny. I just remember the little girl whose birthday it was would scream and cry whenever I came near her. The fondest memory from this time was going as a Ninja Turtle...er, "Fighting Turtle", to this kids party. Now picture this: Me in a green 'Power Ranger' body suit, then a DIFFERENT COLOR green shell, head and feet. They didn't have gloves, so I had to get my own, which were, of course, a different shade of green. So I'm a tri-colored turtle. Now, I get there only to find out that I'm supposed to teach these kids karate...hey guess what? I don't know karate! So I let these kids beat the shit out of me for an hour. I just had them run and kick this pad that I was holding, and of course these kids don't know what they're doing either..."Oh dude, good kick...OW! Got me in the shells dude!" I felt like shit taking the guy's money too, but I deserved it. What other jobs...I worked for this company called "Mad Science", where I'd got to parties and teach kids the fun of science by doing experiments. That was actually pretty cool. I also worked for 2 other kids places aside from Chuck-E-Cheese: Funtastics (a place in Florida), and Discovery Zone. Actually, Discovery Zone was the last "job-job" that I ever had. That was in 1996 I believe, and then I started doing stand-up full time in 97, so it's been almost 8 years as a full time comic...hooray! I don't remember the specific date, but I know it was in August when I started it. That's when I came back from Texas I had a solid month of comedy booked and I said, "OK, let's start doing this full time", and I have. Oh, on a completely new subject...I am soo excited, I have my Smacky! Wow, I can actually hear the collective conscious saying, "Huh?" Smacky is the co-star of the Skippy Greene show, he's Skippy's sidekick and band leader, and after an exhausting search, I got a great comic and actor and friend to do it. His name is Kyle Cease, you probably recognize him from the movies 10 Things I Hate About You and Not Another Teen Movie. I'm really excited, this thing is coming together! Yay! Well, I think I've met my blog quota for the day, I'm off. Now post about it on the boards my children.

5/2/05
Tonight was an interesting night, I did a spot at the Ramada and it was ok, tried out a bunch of new stuff...including the little rant I had last night about the runaway bride. It did ok too. But after the show I was hanging out with some girls from out of town and with comic Brody Stevens. We were shooting the shit and then Brody left with a couple of girls and I ended up talking with the bartender and a girl from England. It was really, really cool. We just waxed philosophic about life, religion, politics, it was very refreshing. And I learned some English slang:
go white-To get a little 'out there', usually while high.
camp-A guy who's kinda femmy, but not gay; metro-sexual.
sound-To be really hip and cool.
So now if I go to England, I can fit in. :D Thanks Kim. She was also a fan of my "Dream Hollywood" joke, I'm telling you, that joke is a good one. It's exastential (sp?) and a real thought provoking joke. If I ever come to your town and am performing, I want you to yell out, "Hey, do the Dream Hollywood joke!" I want everyone to hear it. God, with all this hype, it better be fucking funny, huh? Like I've always said, it's a funny joke, but more than that, it's a thinking joke. I so rarely come up with those. I think I'm addicted to Guiness beer, it's so damn good. I know it's fattening, (oh my God, I'm acting so camp) but it's soooo fucking good. It tastes like what beer should taste: smooth, filling and tastey. Anyone else like Guiness? Post about it on my boards. Ha, had to plug. Night.

5/1/05
I'm a little freaked out right now, I swear I heard a car horn honk and then either a crash or a gun shot. I know you'd think I'd be able to tell the difference, but I've never been shot and I got into a bad accident over a decade ago, so it's hard to place the sound. The neighborhood I live in has its perks and it's faults...this is one of its faults. At least once a day your hear sirens around here, even if it's not in my area, they seem to pass through all the time. OK, let me relax. Didn't do that much today, just tweaked up my new Message Boards and got two new CDs. I got the new Ben Folds CD and one by an artist I had never heard of, but was recommended to me by someone. His name is Ray LaMontage and the CD is damn good. Very "Dave Mathews"ish, but easier to understand. His voice is very soothing, very nice. And the Ben Folds CD is great, but I just love that guy...as evident in this picture. I was going to go out, but instead my roommate and I cooked up a nice steak and watched a great night of television. Started with King of the Hill, then an hour of The Simpsons then (thank you God) the season premiere of FAMILY GUY! Fucking brilliant I might add. The GI-Joe reference had me howling while at the same time baffled at Seth MacFarlane's love of the 80s and how I think he and I are long lost twins for just that reason. And then we settled into the series premiere of American Dad!. It's weird, I thought the original sneak preview one they showed a month or two ago was much funnier. This one made me laugh, but not like I remember laughing before. I'm sure it'll pick up. Hey, at least Family Guy is back! God, I sound so cheesy, I'm sorry. I just love that show. Damn, this blog entry is quite the dull one. I started the message boards because so many people wanted to respond to my blog entries, and now that I have a message board, my blog entries are just shit. I'm sorry, I haven't had anything really traumatic or earth shattering happen to me lately. When I had women problems or family issues or fights with friends, then the emotional flood gates were pouring open, hell, even when I had the realization that I was a "real comedian" (see blog entry from April when I was in Spokane), that was something to talk about. Now, hell, now what can you say? "Gee Flip, that inane rambling about Family Guy, wow, that changed my life. You are soooo prolific." Now I'm just trying to use big words to sound smart...I probably spelled them wrong. Well, I am going to leave then...yeah, I know, you're really hurt by that one. Oh, ok, let's talk about the runaway bride, shall we? So they're "thinking" about charging her. Thinking? What's to think about? She made a false report about a federal crime (kidnapping), she can get 5 years in jail for it. I say put her away for all five. Now I know what you're saying, "Flip, that's a bit harsh for this." Maybe, but keep this in mind...she's a fucking bitch! She ran off on her wedding and her fiance...AND he had to take lie detector tests. Can you imagine, you fall in love, you plan a big, lavish wedding...which I'm sure was her idea. I mean when I get married, I want it to be nice, but it doesn't have to be lavish with 600 people, which is how many people were coming. So I'm sure he wasn't twisting her arm saying, "Please honey, please, I neeeed my 5th cousin from Birmingham to be there! It just won't be the same without her." No, I'm sure that she planned it. So the guy does all this for his love, his life, the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Then one morning she goes out for a jog and doesn't come back. Then you get a call from her that she's kidnapped. Oh my god! You call the police, have a hundred people searching for her, it makes national news. You are starting to seem like a suspect. And then you find out that she's alive and alright. But not only that, she was never kidnapped! It seems that, out of the blue, not a week before the ceremony, she decided it was just too much so she took a bus to New Mexico!? Are you shitting me!? Fuck you, you go to jail baby. If that guy still marries her, he will be the biggest douche bag in the world. Look, I'm not heartless and I'm not insensative. I have been in the grasps of love and I have taken a lot of shit and smiled and asked for more, all in the hopes of "making it work." But I have come out of the war wounded but alive and a whole lot wiser. If he goes along and marries this woman, she will have him by the balls for the rest of his life. "Honey, is it ok if I buy a new car?" "Well, I don't know if we can afford that." "Then I'll run away!" "No, no, here's my credit card." And you know his buddies won't let him live that down. "Hey Tony, do you remember where we parked?" "Uh, no." "Uh-oh, maybe the car's been kidnapped! Ha-ha-ha!" Dear god man, grow some balls and walk away. No one, and I mean no one, will blame you. Or at least say something publicily like, "Look, I know that most men would walk away from her, but I'm sticking by her for two reasons. Number one, I love her with all of my heart and I know that this is something we can work through. Number two, she signed a contract that makes her legally bound to give me blow jobs everyday of my life. Even if I die before her, she has to suck my dead dick until the day she dies." If you did that, then I think the men in this country will give thier blessing. Well ok then, I've rambling on about something current and I might've written a new bit. Thanks for making me work guys!