OK, now that that hallmark moment is over, I need to vent about last nights show.

It was in the "student pub" on campus and when I got there I noticed that there were a fair amount of students there and they were drinking quite heavily. I found out that is was a party for seniors to celebrate "50 days to graduation". Very cool, but having played to bars before, I had a pretty good idea of how the show was going to go. They were going to be loud, drunk and I would have to do anything to keep their attention for at least 50 minutes.

I asked the guy who hired me (as I do when I work at any school) what are the rules as far as subject matter and language. He said, "Keep it pg-13 to R. Nothing too raunchy and don't say fuck every other word."

Those who know my act know that I'm not raunchy (Skippy...most definitely, but not me). One or two of my jokes might tip-toe that line (ice cream anyone) but for the most part, I'm pretty safe.

So I did the show and for the most part it went well. There were a lot of people talking, but the ones who were listening, enjoyed themselves. BUT...there were, of course, really obnoxious drunk kids there. One in particular was this girl, who would stand up whenever she said something (which was quite often) and then some of her friends would just scream when she did that. It reminded me of Mean Girls and how the one girl would lead the rest of the pack. So dealing with her was a nightmare, plus keeping the attention of most of the room.

So I did some crowd work and when I started with material, I followed the lead of the crowd. If I talked about something and they responded, I kept on it and vice versa. So, of course, I did some jokes about sex and I seemed to get a good response so I continued. And there were some moments where I might've gotten a bit darker or risque and didn't get a strong response, so I changed gears.

I mean I've been doing this long enough to know how to read a crowd.

So at exactly 50 minutes, I ended the show and felt pretty good for getting through it with a good response...hell, one guy even stood up. And no, it wasn't to leave.

Oh, I forgot to mention this...during the show, someone said, "There's a priest at the bar." First I thought they were joking...I mean how perfect is that, "A priest and a Jew are at a bar..." But they insisted it was true so I said something like, "Well, I'm a Jew, so it's not my guy..." Something to that affect which got a laugh.

And despite knowing a priest was there, I still did my job. I kept the crowd engaged and entertained.

...you might see where this is going now.

So after the show some of the students are telling me how they loved the show, and thanked me for coming out. Then one girl came up to me and said that she was offended by my show and that she wasn't kidding. I told her that I'm sorry she was offended. Then she said, "This is a Catholic school and we don't believe in pre-marital sex, you should know your audience before you do a show." What I said was, "Well, I was going by the audience and they were laughing at what I was saying." She said, "Well, I wasn't" To which I said, "I'm sorry to hear that, but you weren't sitting up front." Then I said, "I respect your beliefs and I would hope you respect mine." (about pre-marital sex. My opinion is that sex is a normal, human desire and you shouldn't be ashamed of it or resist it. Just be safe)

And then I went to the guy who hired me and he informed me that: 1) He didn't have my check and will have to over-night it to me Monday. (fucking hate that) And that 2) When I asked how he liked the show, he said, "It was ok...we'll see what the Jesuit has to say." For those who don't know, a Jesuit is a preist...I was impressed that I knew that.

And then I said, "Well, the students seemed to like it." But I can tell by his look that he wasn't thrilled.

OK, now here's my problem. What the fuck did they expect me to do??? You put me in a bar with a bunch of drunk students, I had to keep their attention and entertain. What am I going to do...jokes about shopping carts and airline peanuts? They wouldn't have cared. I had to placate to the crowd. Trust me, if the show were in an auditorium or even a lecture hall, I would've been able to take my time and do less dirty jokes. Trust me, some of my favorite jokes to tell are the more clever ones. But those require timing and silence ("Didaregoo Guy", "Botox", etc.) but in this situation, again, I did what I had to do.

As far as that girl...hey honey...FUCKING LEAVE THE ROOM! No one forced you to stay. Just leave. Or don't listen. Look, I've always said that comedy is subjective and I know that some people don't like what I do for whatever reason. And you know what, that's fine. But if you don't want to listen...leave. And why the fuck would you come up to me to tell me that you didn't like me? What good will that do? I'm not changing my act anytime soon and you just look like a stuck up bitch. And again, I'm not saying she was wrong for not liking me, or being offended, but what was the point in telling me? All you did was make me write this stupid blog. And after I'm done, my life goes on.

As far as the priest goes...I didn't invite him and if he was offended, again, I'm sorry, it's never my intention to upset people. But he walked into a bar and into a comedy show.

If anyone thinks that it's easy to do what I and so many other comics do in these situations, you get up on that stage in front of those people and deal with them in your way. See how easy it is.

And you know what sucks, it really was a fun show. The students that listened had a great time and I had fun. But because of two little incidents, I'm feeling angry about it.

Oh, and here's another thing, if this school is so proper (as hinted by that girl) why would you have a bar on campus? Hmmm??? Why have an excuse for kids to get drunk and horny and do what drunk, horny kids naturally do?

Anyway, what I was initially saying was that it's a common problem for comics (and most performers I'd bet) that it doesn't matter how many people are enjoying the show, if you notice one person not having a good time, that haunts you....just like it's doing right now.

Oy.

OK, I feel better having vented.

And again, I do want to thank all of the students who came out to my shows this week...I really did have fun at the shows and I hope you did too. And I'm sorry to those who were offended. But that's just what I do....not that I offend, I mean the show that I do...that's just what I do.

And I don't want people to think of me as a whiner or anything. I'm very secure and happy with who I am as a person and a comedian; it's just that every so often, I get pissed. As I'm sure you do too. :)

OH, quick change of subject...this September two big things are happening. One, I'm going to be an uncle (my brother and his wife are having thier first baby!) and two...well two I can't quite say yet...but it's BIG! More to come later.

See ya back on the west coast.

3/27/09
OK, I know I should be grateful just to be working, but I've gotta tell you, I'm getting tired of being on this college tour and playing lounges, cafeteria's and classrooms.

Again, the money is good and I am grateful...but c'mon people. An auditorium, fuck, even a lecture hall; something with a fucking stage.

I'm just a little pissed now because the one show I was doing in an actual auditorium was just changed to a lounge.

All of the shows so far have been like that. And, no, they weren't all horrible, but it's still an uncomfortable place to do comedy. Kids don't want to watch a comedy show when they're trying to do homework or watch TV or just hang out. I understand that. So who the fuck am I to just come in and start talking on a microphone.

Deep breath...

I guess I'm just getting a little antsy to go home.

...well that, and the fact that I'm playing to a group of kids in a lounge. Yeah, those are the two things that are getting to me.

And I am getting sick of hotel room after hotel room.

When I play clubs, at least I'm in one room for a few days. I can unpack, relax, you know, just take my time. On this tour, I'm in a different room every day...a different bed every night...the same car everyday.

And again, I know that I'm lucky just to be working. So I will keep that in consideration...but fuck me, let's just get to the next level already.

OK, I'm good now, just needed to vent. I'm off to entertain the 10's of students who will be sitting there wondering why the hell I'm talking.

OK, so it's way after the show and I'm back in my hotel room. Gotta tell ya, the show was great.

It wasn't quite the "lounge" type room I was expecting. It had some TVs but no pool tables or anything like that. And they set the chairs and sofas up so that they faced the stage that they set up for me. So right from the beginning, it actually felt like a show atmosphere.

And you know what else, I really feel like a douche bag now. I was just talking to a friend and she helped remind me that what I'm doing is so cool and I'm really lucky. I did an hour show, made some really good money and, basically, I'm doing exactly what I want to do with my life.

Granted, the venues aren't ideal and the crowds may not be as huge as I've played before, but you know what...the crowds won't always be huge, no matter how huge I get. I'll always play small clubs because I'll always want to do comedy. And this trip has shown me that even if 8 people show up to a late morning show in a cafeteria, that's still 8 people that want to laugh and it is my duty (not to mention my job...not to mention my "fun job") to make them laugh.

Well kids, I'm off to bed...got one more show tomorrow, then it's home...for 3 days, and then off to Iraq!

3/23/09
Fuck me do I hate getting up early.

I don't know how people do it. I guess if you're used to it, it's easier...but still...

I'm at the airport right now, about to fly to West Virginia for the first of my six college shows. My roommate woke up the same time as me (5:50 AM) and we both looked like death warmed over. And he said, "Now imagine getting up this early to go to a job you don't like. At least you like what you're doing."

He's absolutely right. I do love what I do and I feel bad for him for getting up this early to go to a job he doesn't like. For all of you out there like my roommate, I salute you. You're better people than I.

I remember when I was a kid and I had to get up for school...God I hated that. I would actually wake up, turn off my alarm, then go back to sleep and my mom would wake me up again. Is there no better alarm clock than your mother? To this day, if I'm staying with my parents and I'm sleeping, my mom's voice will wake me out of a sound sleep.

Anyway, I think I'm going to board soon so I should sign off.

Oh, there are some big things coming up...of course, I can't say right now what they are, but if all goes well...it's pretty big and exciting. :)

Later gator.

3/15/09
Man oh man, I am feeling very un-good right now. I'm not really "sick" persay, but I have a monster cough. Sucks.

So last night I did a spot at the Improv as Skippy and it was so fucking good. Every time I do Skippy, it just reinforces my belief that Skippy will be the thing that pushes me.

Sorry, don't mean to sound so egocentric after a week of no blogging, but I'm just really excited thinking about the future.

Oh yeah, sorry for the lack of blogging. I've been kinda busy plus there's been a new development in my life that's keeping me quite busy. All good things my friends.

What else?...I'm getting ready to go on another college tour; should be fun. Then, OFF TO IRAQ! That's going to be fun and exhausting and so fulfilling...I'm sure. Can't wait.

OK, I've gotta get going, got another spot tonight. Bye kids.

3/4/09
What a show! Thank you so much to Mill Valley for an incredibly fun show. Those are the kinds of shows that remind me why I love doing comedy.

Well I love doing comedy anyways, but last night's show was just so much fun from start to finish; so what I'm saying is that kind of show are the shows that are worth waiting for. Dealing with shows in cafeteria's, or at zoo's in the middle of the day...worth it so long as there are shows like last night still out there. :)

I'm just waking up now in my hotel, got a great night's sleep. Needed it.

Lately I'm still off-kilter with my sleeping patterns. Too much traveling.

Time to get up, pack, shower and eat. Later kids.

3/3/09
OK, so not only am I back in an airport, but now my flight is delayed by 2 1/2 hours! No one's fault; weather. Just sucks because I was up so early...well, not so early, but early for me. And now I get to sit here and wait with my thumb up my ass.

Well not literally up my ass. I think that I would be taken into airport custody or something if I were really doing that.

Actually, there is a guy here who I feel really sorry for.

Apparently he got the run around at security and ran his ass off to get to the gate and just missed it. The plane was actually still here but the door was shut so he had to watch his plane leave the gate without him on it. That's gotta suck royal ass.

I think they're trying to get him on another flight, but still, that sucks totally. He's actually smiling, so he's obviously getting taken care of or just laughing maniacally like a super-villian.

"One day I shall have my revenge on Virgin America! Ha-ha-ha-ha...!"

Well, I guess I'll watch a movie on my computer for now.

Wow, I just realized something.

OK, when I left my apartment, I had some breakfast at McDonalds and then I was on my way to the airport. Since I'm only going away for a day, I figured I'd just leave my car in long-term parking. So I'm halfway here when I realized that I forgot my laptop. So I was debating about whether or not I should go back and get it.

I was thinking, "Well, I'm only gone for a day and my flight is at 11:30, do I really need it?" But then I figured that it couldn't hurt. So I turned around, got the computer, still got to the airport on time.

Now that there's a delay, thank goodness I've got the computer so I could at least be entertained by movies and internet porn while I wait.

I meant just movies.

Anything else I want to blog about?...

Well, there is something really nice happening now. Kinda personal, but it's good.

Life is pretty good right now, but still I feel like I'm falling behind professionally. I know, I mean I just KNOW, that I'm ready for the next level. I'm there. Last night I had a really great show and despite how I might've felt my college shows went, people still had a great time. Which to me says that I'm setting my own bar so high...which is good. It's always telling to keep working and not to get comfortable with my performances.

Some might call that obsessive, I call it always working harder.

I know patience is a virtue, but I'm tired of being patient. I know that it will happen when it's supposed to, but I'm getting tired of waiting. I just need that one little bump, ya know?

And by bump, I don't mean cocaine.

Anyway, I'm going to watch a movie. Later kids.