4/30/05
"Da-da-da-da-daaaaaa!" I am pleased to announce that the Flip Schultz Message Boards (or FSBB) are officially up and running! Please register, log in and post, post, post away. Now all of you bloggers who have emailed me saying, "Oh, I wish you had a message board so I can tell you what I think of your blog." Well, now you do...happy??? You should be. So I was at the Improv tonight and I ended up going on the late show. My friend, Mark Eddie, was headlining and mentioned that there was an open spot on the late show and asked if I wanted it. Well duh... So I went up and I did really, really well. I was extremely happy. It's funny, after I come off of a road trip, be it a week or a month, I have that confidence and ease so ingrained in me that when I go up in LA, it's nothing. I wish I could do 2 weeks on the road before a big showcase, I'd be so cool. (as in cucumber, not as in Dean Martin) I think I finally got the "Dream Hollywood" bit down, I'm really psyched about that. Then I just shot the shit with the club manager for a few hours after everyone left. I was telling her that these are the moments that I really cherish, the moments that I'll look back on fondly. Just talking comedy and having a drink at 2 AM at the Hollywood Improv. It's the simple things that always seem to be the most memorable. Of course losing ones virginity is another memorable moment, and for most of us, that's not a simple thing. I know this is a Dave Attell joke, but wouldn't you love to have sex with the person you lost your virginity with one more time...just to show them how good you got at it? Again, that's Dave Attell's joke, I'm not taking credit for it, just quoting it. Anywho, it's 3 AM now, I'm tired and about to pass out. But before I do, I'm going to post on my boards and then watch some porn. OR maybe I'll put porn on the boards! Wow, I need to get laid. Oh yeah, tomorrow night....ALL NEW FAMILY GUY!!!! Let's hope FOX doesn't fuck this up, I heard that they're going to cancel Arrested Development...fucking idiots. But with any luck, in 3 years, after it's become a cult hit on DVD and another network, they'll bring it back. Oy...

4/28/05
I got a nice surprise this morning. I woke up to find an email from the website Comedy-Gags-Jokes.com, they had asked to review my CDs and DVDs, so I sent them the stuff. Well, today they sent me the links to the reviews of What Are You Laughing At!? and Super Dork!...and, if I may say so, they were really good. This is the first time I've gotten any feedback on my new stuff, well feedback not from a family member or friend. So to have an impartial person give my stuff a good review is really cool, and it's not like they give good reviews to everyone. The site has a really large number of CDs and whatnot that they reviewed, and some they just completely tore apart, but with good reason. They gave a shitty review to a comic that I despise, so I know they're good. :D I was at the Improv tonight, God it felt great to be there, like refueling. It's like the swimming pool from Cocoon, I feel energized and complete. Saw A LOT of friends there tonight, which was great. I am still on east coast time, so I was ready to leave at 10, but I stayed until 12. Alright, my cats climbing on my shit so I've gotta go. "Get off of that you piece of shit...awwww, he's yawning." Oh, I'm in the process of putting up a message board, so those who want to discuss my posts or whatever, you can now make your (computer) voices heard. And I can emotionally masterbate to how many people actually find me interesting.

4/27/05
I'm home! It feels so good to be back in my apartment, buying my own food...buying my own gas...damit! I wanna go back to mom and dads! Oh well, the price of being a grown up I suppose. Grown up, what a concept, huh? They say you're a grown up when you're 18, but you're not done growing up, so then maybe you should be called a bigger kid or something. Like I know I'm not grown up yet, far from it (I hope), so I want to be called a growing kid or a little grown up. Yeah, a little grown up, that's good. Now my parents, they're close to being grown up, so they can be called, almost grown up. My grandmother, she's 91, she's grown up. Then again, that's just grown up by age and experience. Now is one being grown up measured by their height, their age or their mental capacity? Because if it's height, then yes, I can be called grown up, because I have grown to the tallest I will be. Unless some freak accident happens with gamma rays or something, and I grow three times my size whenever I get angry, 6'1 is my tallest. And then my grandmother would not be grown up at all, in fact she'd have shrunk from her tallest. So she'd be grown down. Now if we go the last avenue of grown up, that being mentally, I know some 12 year olds who are brilliant and a lot smarter than most people, so would a prodigy at age 12 be more grown up than an average person at 45? These are all really interesting questions that really don't lead anywhere, they only show my pention for rambling and obsure thinking. Oh well, that's what makes me unique...but not grown up. Well, if I were to judge myself, I'd say that in age and experience, I'm only a "little grown up", in height, I'm "all grown up" and in mentally, I'm "a little shit of a kid." No, I'm not the smartest guy around, but then again, can intellect be soley judged by smarts and not by creativity, art and passion? I might not know how to do calculus (or know if I spell it correctly), but I can write a helluva funny joke. What's more impressive? Knowing how the universe works or knowing how to make a room full of people laugh? I think it was Einstien who once said, "E might equal MC squared, but T and A equal M-E hard!" Yeah, Einstien was quite the horn dog, not too many people knew that. Wow, did I reach on that one, huh? And I don't even know if it made sense. Are you still reading this? I guess it started promising with the debate on "growing up", but man did it take a nose dive in a hurry. I'm going to say good night before I dig this hole of stupidity even deeper.

4/26/05
I'm all packed up and ready to go, thank God. Not that I haven't loved spending time with my family and friends in Florida and not that I haven't loved performing down here, but I'm tired and ready to get back to my life in LA. Had an interesting thing happen today, got me an email from an old friend. Let's just say, it's someone whom I haven't spoken to in awhile and someone who I wasn't planning on talking to for a little while longer. I won't go into details as far as what the email said (it was nothing major) or what the circumstances were that initially halted our friendship, I'll just say this, time is an amazing thing. It helps, it heals and it helps to heal. Some grudges last for a very long time and it's sad really. There are a few people in my life who I used to be close with and I am now not talking to, for whatever the reasons, I'm just not. But I hope...no, I know that I will eventually have these people in my life again, it just takes time. Well, time and confrontation. I mean there are reasons that people stop talking and those reasons need to be sorted out, but, again, it takes time to get to that point. I think the point comes when whatever the reason was, it doesn't matter as much, so talking is ok. For example, I have a former friend, who I've written about on here, who I have real angry feelings towards, and right now, I cannot see myself talking to him. But in time, when I've gotten past whatever negative feelings I have for him, I'll be open to talking to him. But that's from my point of view, now if he were to contact me now and open the lines of communication, that could be another thing. I would probably talk to him now and see if we could try and settle our fight, and who knows, maybe we could. But again, back to my original thought, it's all about time. I just went off on some kind of rant that really led nowhere profound. "Wow Flip, time heals all wounds...never heard that before." Change of subject: Last night I got to see a sneak preview of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, it was pretty good. I've never read all of the books, but I did see the old BBC series and I heard the radio shows. (coincidentally, the radio show tapes were lent to me by the friend that I'm not talking to right now...werid, no? No) The movie was really funny and, as far as I remembered, stayed pretty true to the books. There were some changes, but from what I've heard, those were made by Douglas Adams, the author, himself before he died. It was cool, I went to the preview as a guest of a local comic down here, but when I got there, he was not there yet. So I'm waiting when some woman says, "Hey, I know you. You're Flip Schultz, we just saw you at the Improv." Needless to say, she was with the company that was running the movie, so she got me in and I sat in the VIP section. I gotta tell ya, it felt pretty cool. Welp, (that wasn't a typo) I'm going to hit the hay so I'm not groggy on the flight. Luckily I have an afternoon flight with no layover, so I'll be getting to LA right around 6...hell, I might even hit the Improv. It always feels great to go there after being away for so long...and hey, I can show the guys my new phone! And the porn!

4/24/05
And it's over! My month long road trip is over, I had my final show of the week tonight with Jeff, and it was "ehh". Last nights shows were also, shall we say, interesting. The first show was going great, everything was killing and then right at the end, literally 20 second before I was going to say good night, there was thing obnoxiously loud women right in the front who was talking for like 5 minutes. I was trying to ignore her, just plow through it, but it got to the point where I stopped in mid joke, bent down on the edge of the stage and said something like, "You're gonna have to be quiet now." The woman in front of her, who had just asked her to shut up, said, "thank you" to me. So it wasn't just me. Anyway, now you'd think if someone tells you to be quiet and then when the person on stage has to stop thier show to tell you to be quiet as well, you'd think that person would be embarrassed and apologize, right? Well not this woman, she gives me this look as if to say, "What is the big deal, all I was doing was talking." Like I was doing this to her for no reason, just to be a dick. How fucking stupid and rude can you be? Why the fuck would you pay to see a show and then talk? That's like going to Wolfgang Pucks, ordering an expensive meal, and then when it comes, you pull out a bag of Taco Bell and say, "no thanks, I brought my own." Fuck you. So she left, no big loss. Then second show, this time the obnoxious woman started the show! I'm on stage, maybe for 20 seconds (hmm, something about 20 seconds and bitches, huh?) when this woman who was clearly too drunk to breath, stood up, spilled her little appletini and proceeded to approach the stage. Now mind you this show started over 45 minutes late, so I say, "Are you kidding me? The show starts way late and now you want to fuck it up before I even start??? What is your problem?" And she continues to walk up to the stage, drink in hand, babbling something like, "You need a drink. You need a drink...", and no one is stopping her, no one. So I say, "No, I need you to sit down and shut the fuck up." The crowd cheers and she is looking at me like, "what's the big deal? I'm just offering you a drink. Why are you yelling at me?" I know she's drunk, but come the fuck on people! By now the crowds a bit uneasy, you can tell. So I slam her with a hack heckler line and the place goes nuts. I hated starting out that way, but she left me no choice. I heard that she was so embarrassed, that she started to cry and left. Hey, I'm not a dick and I feel bad that I made someone cry, but I don't feel wrong for doing it. My job while on that stage is to entertain and keep the audience at bay. If someone wants to challenge me by either talking loud, talking back, throwing things, approaching the stage, etc., sorry, but it's my job to either stop you or one up you. You can try and heckle me but I promise you I'll win. Now there have been times where an audience member and I have had some fun words exchanged where I'd say something like, "Alright, that was funny, you win." But if the situation was verbally violent, I will destroy you, I promise. If you start to yell mean, stupid, annoying things, and you think you're winning, I will make you into the idiot and the entire audience will be with me. This isn't ego, it's the truth, it's my job. I know Seinfeld did something like this on his show once, but it would be like me going to your job and challenging you. If you were a veteran accountant and I suddenly show up, without ever doing a day of accounting in my life, and say, "I challenge you to an accounting contest." You'd kick my ass. To a comic, that's a heckler. Someone who's never done comedy trying to do it to a professional comedian. There are so many people who think that just because they make thier friends laugh at a party, they're comedians. Hey, I know how to count money (insert Jew joke here) but I'm not an accountant. The last show, aside from starting an hour late, was good. I headlined that show and I had a few friends there, which was very cool. Oh, and someone on my mailing list brought in the coupon for a 2 for 1 admission. Whoever you were, thank you. That was really cool when they told me that. That meant that I have "repeat" fans. I know, I know, a lot of you come to my shows more than once, and I thank you for it. But I've never had physical evidence of it. Oh, that reminds me, for those of you who are not on the mailing list yet, do sign up, I'm going to be making the "2 for 1 coupon" a regular thing when I can. When I headline, I am going to send out the coupon to those in the area on my mailing list. So sign up, you get cool newsletters AND you save money...what a bargain. Sorry, got off subject for a second. So the last show was really good, I did about 50 minutes and I worked out some newer bits like "Dream Hollywood". I got it on video and audio, so I'm going to put up some new clips asap. Well, now I'm just going to relax these last 2 days before it's back to LA day. So I will say g'night now and to my Hebro's, happy Passover. And if you missed the new video on the entry page that I put up tonight, check it out. It's with my mom, and let's just say that after seeing that you can see why I am the way I am. Love ya Ma!

4/21/05
Again I lie here with my cat drapped across my arm, so I'll be struggling to type now. Tonight was my first show with Duhnam, and it was less than superb. I guess coming off of all those shows with Pablo, the expectations were too great. I did fuck up a bit, first of all, I came on stage in 4th gear, pretty much how I did at Pablo's shows. Well, Jeff's audiences aren't quite as pre-energized as Pablo's, so I quickly down shifted. But add to that a group of drunks in the front, loud fuckers in the back and a constant awareness of not cursing, I just feel flat. Don't get me wrong, the people seemed to have a good time with me, and Jeff killed, but I know when I've done a great show and when I've not. But, as I've said before, this is a great challenge. I've shown that I can win over a crowd with immediate energy, now it's a matter of building up. Also, Jeff told me that for him it's not about the language really, it's more about the subject matter. So I think tomorrow I might loosen up a bit and use a few 'choice' words, but to balance out, I won't tell my "raping the angels in heaven" joke. Kidding. That would be funny if I did have a joke about raping some angels, wouldn't it? Maybe it's just me. Well, let's see if I can make on up right now: "So I'm raping these angels with a friend of mine and one of them says 'Forgive them father, they know not what they do'. And the other one says, 'Speak for yourself, this one knows what he's doing!' Ha! Actually that's just an old joke I knew that was rehashed. Originally I heard it with nuns instead of angels...man, I really need to start hanging out with new people. OK, I had a late night last night, so I'm going to turn in now. And in case you didn't get an email or see the banner on the homepage, I am headlining the 11:00 show this Saturday at the Improv. If you're in the area and want to come, print out this coupon and get 2 for 1 admission. See ya there!

4/19/05
Technology is an amazing thing. Tonight I figured out how to watch porn on my phone! I mean come on! What an unbelievable world we live in, huh? I went out and bought a media card for my phone/PDA and I took a...uh..."film" that I have and was able to transfer it to my phone. I don't really know the practical use of doing that, I guess if I'm on a long flight, instead of dragging my laptop into the bathroom, I just take my handheld and use my other handheld. Za-Zing! Spent a part of today with an old friend and bought a new shirt. I tell ya, I found a store down here with the greatest shirts, it's called Vizzini. They're just really nice, cool looking shirts. Oh, I also uploaded a picture of Pablo & my family...aren't we cute? And speaking of performing...I know, I wasn't speaking of that, but I needed a segue...I confirmed today that I am going to be working in Lauderdale this week PLUS I'll be headlining the late show on Saturday. So come on out if you're in the area. The club owner pulled a really good trick on me though. I called to see if I was going to be there and the girl who answers the phone told me that he said I was too dirty with Pablo, so he was "going to pass" on me working. I was livid. After I hung up with the girl at the club, I was starting to bitch about it to my friend. I was like, "I can't believe this shit. I was booked in Orlando anyway, why do I keep getting screwed?..." And then my cel rang again and it was the club owner saying, "Dude, I was kidding." Isn't that the best feeling? When you think something has gone wrong, and you get mad, or embarrassed, or scared, or whatever, and then you find out everything's ok. It's like a really good way to make your day better. Or like when you think you lost your keys, and you're running around frantically looking for them. And you're thinking, "Oh my god, I'm going to be late...this is so important I'm not late...Who can give me a lift...How much will a cab cost?..." And then 10 minutes later you find your keys under a shirt or something. How great does that feel? Well, that's how I felt today. I went from pissed/freaked to relieved/happy. So much so that I bought a shirt. Ooo, my phone's ringing...nope, it's porn. Oh, and for those who might wonder, "Wow, he writes a lot about porn, is he really into it that much or is it just for a joke?" Let's just say that there's a little jokiness behind it, but only a little. OK, this will be awkward...I was going to sign off on that note but then I remembered that I wanted to mention something about the new Pope. So now I'm going from porn to Pope...there's really no slick way to do that, is there? What can I say, something like..."Well, when I was all done watching my porno movie all I could think was, 'Man, I can't wait to watch that again'...speaking of the Vatican!..." Uh, no. ANYwho, I was watching the whole 'We Gotta New Pope' thing on TV, and no one was sure if the smoke was black or white. And they showed the clip of the smoke coming out of the chimmney thing, and all I could think was, "What a shitty chimmney." I mean, what the hell is that place, a log cabin or something? Isn't this the center of Catholisism? Don't you think they can afford a top notch chimmney? Maybe if they had a big, brick chimmney, they could tell the color of the smoke. I mean how the hell could Santa fit it that? And of all houses in the world, that one would be the one where Santa would be most welcome. But alas, due to their tiny shaft of a chimmney, Santa has to pass on the Pope's house, and the now the Pope won't get his presents. And when the Pope doesn't see any presents under the tree, he's going to thing he's been a naughty boy. He'll be thinking, "How can I be naughty, I'm the Pope. Well, if it's naughty they want, it's naughty they'll get!" And then he'll decree that all Catholics will go to hell unless they burn up a Mosque or a Synagogue! And he'll say that all priests should touch little boys, hell, he'll make Michael Jackson a Bishop! And he'll go out on the balcony in a 'Muff Diver' t-shirt, drinking beer and saying things like, 'God is not real, you fucking idiots! You wanna see God, lookie here...', and he'll turn around and moon everyone. "Ha! I put the ass in Mass mother fucker!" And then the rest of the world will say, "No more" and attack the Vatican. And all hell will break out on earth and everyone will die in an Armegeddon unlike the scriptures could've ever fore told...all because of a shitty chimmney. Well, off to watch porn.

4/18/05
My apologies to my loyal bloggers (which is up to 8 by last count), I have been away from my trusty laptop to note all of the amazing events which have unfolded during my absence from cyber venting. Let's see, well, in a nutshell....I LOVE MIAMI!!!!! Holy shit, this past weekends shows were, no doubt, the best club shows I have ever had. Friday and Saturday espescially. I already told you about Thursday, so let's talk weekend shows. Those crowds were nothing short of amazing, Pablo brings in the most exceptional crowds around. Actually he and Larry the Cable Guy have the best crowds...I'm being serious there. "Git-R-Done!" Anywho...to give you an idea of how great these crowds were, it would be as if the hottest women in the world just came up to me on the street, laid down, spread her legs and said, "Just do me. You don't have to date me, no buying me dinner, just do me...", that's how easy these crowds were. I'm sorry for being so vulgar with that analogy, but it just seemed so unfair how wonderful these crowds were. Saturday was the best though, hands down. I did three sold out shows (again, thank you Pablo) and they just kept getting better as the night went on. When I said 'good night' on the late show (at 1:50 AM mind you), the audience gave me such an ovation, it almost knocked me over. I had to stop and look at them and say with literal sincerity, "thank you". Oh, and I would be remise if I didn't also mention the host for the shows, Sara (I'm sorry, I can't remember her last name). She was great too, she was one of the best hosts I've worked with, just got the crowd right away and took them to an amazing level of energy. She was a big part of the reason the crowd was so ready to laugh when I hit the stage. Sarah, if you're reading this, please email me and tell me your last name, I want to give you props, you're wonderful sweety. I recorded the shows (audio only) and I'm hoping that I can put some of the clips on the site. Unfortunately I'm at my parents house and their DSL is down, so I've been on dial up for the past week. I know everyone says it, but once you go DSL, you realize how fucking slow dial up really is. I remember when I first went online and I couldn't believe how cool it was, and how I was seeing pictures and reading mail, blah-blah-blah. And then I got DSL and "What the fuck!? How did that happen so fast????" Hopefully my parents can get this straightened out soon. So I think I'll be in Ft. Lauderdale this week with Jeff Duhnam. He's funny, but the only thing that will make this, for lack of a better term, awkward for me is that I have to be clean, like PG clean. And it's not like I can't be clean, it just takes a concerted effort to be. But at the same time, it's a nice challenge for me. What else to tell? I'm almost out of merchandise, I sold a SHIT LOAD this weekend (and again I must say, Thank you Pablo) and I've sold quite a few online as well. This is turning into a good month. Wow, I must be a real pescimist, after I wrote that my first thought was, "Well, it's all downhill from here." Let's hope not. To be honest, I'm feeling really positive about this year, so far things have been going really, really, really well. Don't get me wrong, there have been some set backs and hiccups, but for the most part, things are going great. I've been making changes both professionally and physically that seem to lend themselves very well to my life right now. I know what you're thinking, "Physically? What, did you get a sex change?" Well, as much as I feel I'd make a hot woman, no. I mean that I've lost a little weight, got a haircut and I'm keeping my gotee. I tell ya, people are digging it. Digging? What the hell, am I a 70's swinger now? "Hey groovy gal, you dig my Van Dyke? Huh hep cat? You feeling my vibe?" OK, this time warp is over, and the bed beckons. Thanks again for the support and now I end as I began...VIVA MIAMI!!!!!

4/14/05
Do you know how hard it is to type when you've got a cat that keeps laying across your arm? Quentin, my parents cat, just loves to lie in bed with me and completely fuck up any kind of typing ability I may have. But he's just toooo cute to stay angry at. Tonight's show was good, I was a bit dirtier than usual...according to those who know me well. It was a weird show, there was no mc, just some local radio guys who did a give away and then brought me up. It's always weird when it's only a 2 man show and the first guy has to do 25-30 minutes. I think there's a mentality with an audience that the first guy isn't supposed to be that good, and when he's on stage for awhile, they get kinda tired of him. That's why I think the host/mc/first guy only does 10-15, while the second guy does 25-30, and the headliner does 45-an hour. It's a good amount for everyone and no one burns themselves out. Either that or I just had a shitty show and I'm trying to make excuses. No, the show wasn't shitty, just weird. OH, the other thing that made it VERY weird was that the entire left side of the stage was dark, the stage lights broke or something. So not only did it create a horrible shadowy effect on me and the stage, I was able to see everyone on the left side, but no one on the right. When a comic (or any performer I'd imagine) is on stage, the lights pretty much make it impossible to see beyond the first few rows. And that's the way I like it. But when I can see everyone on one side and no one on the other...well, it really fucks shit up. But again, I'm not trying to make excuses, and I'm not saying that the show sucked, I'm just saying I was thrown by those two facts. But the show must go on and it did. As usual, there were beautiful women there tonight and as usual, I went home alone. Heh-heh. But I'll have plenty to think about...heh-heh. Hmm, would it be heh-heh or ha-ha? I guess it all depends...on what, I have no idea. Get ready, change of subject! Last night I was watching porn with a friend of mine and it was hilarious, we just made fun of this thing like there was no tomorrow. Not only was it just wrong, I mean violent, unattractive sex, it was so cheap and shoddy, that laughing at the insanity of it was the only urge we had. (DISCLAIMER: Disgusting details to follow) There was this one girl who was getting the shit beat out of her: slapped, spanked, choked. She was getting done from behind while having her face shoved in another girls butt and then had her nostrils pinched so she couldn't breath in anything but the butt. I mean at what point in this women's life do you think she would say, "you know...maybe this isn't the right line of business for me?" Call me old fashioned, but I just like plain ol' sex in my porn. You know how older people complain about how their music was better, their movies were better, do you think they do that about porn? "Back in my day, a man didn't have to poop on a girls chest to get off, he just put his weiner in her holy-hole and went at it. You kids today with your S & M and your anal fisting. Why in my day, the only thing anal about our pornography was the attention to detail in the story. 'Will she pay for the pizza? And if so, how? She doesn't have any money, that's how she got into this problem in the first place.' Those things made the pornography work damit. So you can keep your Transexual-Shaved-Gang Bang 22, I'll take my Debbie Does Dallas and be on my way." Well, on that note I'm going to watch Bowling Bimbos from Buffalo and call it a night.

4/12/05
I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate fucking traveling! I can't tell you how sick I was yesterday, my body was just so worn out, my allergies were having a field day. I got in at 1 AM on Monday morning, but couldn't fall asleep until 4 AM because of my backward schedule. And then I was up (for some ungodly reason) at, like, 10, so only 6 hours. Now, I know that A LOT of you get that much (or less) sleep each night and can carry on just fine, well ku-fucking-dos to you. But I am not used to that, I need like 7 to 8 hours. Wow, sorry, I snapped there, didn't mean to come off so pricky. Anyway, all yesterday I was all but bed ridden, and I wanted to pass out but I knew that if I did, I would sleep for a few hours and when I woke up, I wouldn't be able to fall asleep again until early morning again, so I waited. Then I was in and out of sleep last night and was up at 7 am and then 9 and finally at 11:30 (thank you gardeners and their fucking weed wackers). But I was feeling pretty good when I finally got out of bed. Wait, let's go back on that a bit, fuck the gardeners, fuck'em good. I know that most people are up and around at 11:30 AM, but I also know that there are gardeners who do thier wacking, blowing and trimming at all hours of the morning. Oh man, I just saw what I typed...ha-ha-ha, wacking...man, I'm funny. Sorry...anywho, fuck you gardeners! Fuck you in your big gardening holes! I say they can't do any of the "loud" work until noon, if you need to clear leaves, hey, that's why there's a rake. If you have to wack, well, get down on your knees and wack by hand...that's how the rest of us do it. I know, I know, two wack jokes within a few lines of each other, I beating the wack to death...Oooo THREE! Za-Zam! On a brighter note, I got my new cel phone, and I'm loving it. I swear, I'm a kid again when I get a new gadget. The real test to see if I like it is if I'm still playing with it in a month...don't touch that one...OR THAT ONE. OK, now with some shitty news, for anyone who was coming to see me in Orlando, I'm sorry to say that I was, once again, fucked out of the gig. If you recall, last time when I got there, they didn't have me scheduled to be there, even though I had booked the gig months in advance. So this time, I called them up first and, low and behold, IT HAPPENED AGAIN!!!!! Luckily, the guy who runs the Improvs down here (S. Florida) said he'd take care of me for it, so I'll either be in W. Palm or Ft. Lauderdale, when I know, I'll post it. It really pisses me off though: A - Because I love that club, B - Because I love to perform with Pablo and C - That this is the second time this has happened with that club. I don't want to sound like a dick, but come on and get your heads out of your ass. Actually, that's not fair. I don't know who's at fault, the club says one thing and the guy who booked me says another, but all I know is that I was out of a job. Thank god for Joel, the guy down here. So, again, I apologize. Oh, something else, that has nothing to do with what I was just talking about, for some reason, the second part of my first blog entry for this month was erased. Not that it was anything of real importance (I think), but it does kinda suck, I like this blog, it's a nice history of my thoughts. Oh well, now that I have completely rambled and vented, I am going to play with my new toy a bit...then I'm going to play with my phone.

4/9/05
Well I'm all done with Spokane, and it was really good. First show tonight had some really loud, drunk women, they got kicked out...thank you God. Why the hell do people talk and heckle at a show? "I want to be part of the show!"..."I'm just trying to help!"..."What? I'm just talking..." Come on people, have some common courtesy. Anyway, the two shows were good, not great, but good. My week ended with a really nice show, it was a good way to finish. I had some drinks with the other comics and the staff after the show, and now I'm in bed and I have to go to sleep for I have a flight tomorrow afternoon. So I am making this short and saying g'night...g'night. Wow, this was a very uninteresting entry...OH, I finished Wicked today...holy shit, what a great book! Get it! Get it! GET IT! And tomorrow night Big Trouble will be airing on Comedy Central at 8 PM. Spread the word.

4/7/05
I had the most amazing realization tonight....I am a fucking comedian! Tonight the crowd seemed very distant and unwilling to laugh, and by God, I got them to laugh. I will tell you now that as I write this, I am most definetly a little drunk, there were some audience members who bought me drinks. Luckily the club is in the hotel that I'm staying at, so it's all good, no driving. Anywho, back to my original statement. Tonight the crowd was not really digging the feature, they were talkative, unresponsive and plain tough. So I was sweating bullets, biting my nails and just plain not thrilled about going up. Then low and behold, they turned out to be great, and that's when it really hit me. I took a crowd that seemed unwilling, unwanting and plain unable to laugh, and I made them laugh! Fuckin' A, I'm a comedian! Wow. I really am. I am everything I've always wanted to be, I'm a professional comedian, and, apparently, I'm really good. I know that I should be aware of this, afterall, I've been doing it long enough, but for some reason, tonight really affected me. It occured to me, like a flash of lightning, I am a comic. You see, Miami, LA, Orlando, whatever, those are big towns and big clubs, this is Spokane. No offense, but it isn't exactly the big city like the other places. It isn't like the crowds are easy; this was a hard crowd, a crowd that was drunk and loud, and by God, I got them to quiet down and listen. Hell, I even sold merchandise, fuck! Nights like this are what make it worthwhile. When I do well in front of a "real" crowd (not industry or 'easy' crowds), it makes it clear. I am a comedian. All the way, comedian. I'll also spare you the kareoke that I did tonight, but I will say two words: "Jenny" and "Touch"...use your imagination. Alright, obviously I'm drunk, tired and I shouldn't be allowed to pour my soul out now. But all I'll say for now is Viva Spokane!, and thank you. God damit, this is what I do! Life is great!!!!! See you tomorrow after the hangover.

4/6/05
I fucking hate traveling, my body is so out of whack. I don't even know what time zone I'm going into and out of, just totally "locationally" confused. And here's a question for the airlines, why if, let's say, someone was going to...oh...I don't know...Spokane, why would you have a layover in fucking Salt Lake City UTAH!? Why did I have to go one time zone to the east only to go back to my original time zone back west? I hardly got any sleep last night and then I was up at 3:30 to be at the airport at 5:00 for a 6:30 flight. Then got into Utah and had an hour lay over and then to Spokane. My allergies were completely kicking my ass, I hate that. Nothing is worse than feeling sick, lathargic and run down but can't rest, you know? I just wanted to pass out in a bed, but I had to keeping moving. I slept a bit on the plane, and as I'm sure you all know, planes are the ideal place to sleep...so comfortable. So needless to say (then why say it) I was completely done by the time I got to the hotel. I passed out for about 5 hours..heavy, deep, wonderful sleep. Then I forced myself up so my body will be tired later on so I could have a good night sleep and be all rested for my show tomorrow. So when I'm done watching a really fucking great episode of Lost, I'm going to pass the hell out. On a completely different subject, while I was at the airport, I noticed something. I saw like 4 different stages of youth. I saw an infant, no more than 6 months, who was just sitting in his stroller, smiling, crying, but in that stage of self realization. Hearing himself, touching himself and discovering that he, in fact, does exist. Then there was a kid about 5 years old, who was running around the terminal, exploring, trying his parents patience by walking on the baggage carosel even when his dad said not to. It was his time to be curious. Then there were a group of girls, had to be about 12 or so. They were either sisters, cousins, friends, whatever, but they knew each other, and they were traveling with some adults. But they were huddled together standing as far apart from the adults as possible. They were at the age when they think they're adults, that age where they don't want to hear anything that adults tell them. They know it all. Shit, I remember that age, I remember when I was sooooo embarrassed by my parents, and thought that I knew everything about life and myself. And then there were two guys and a girl (and a pizza place) who had to be in their late teens/early twenties. They were at that age where they were just becoming adults. They were traveling alone, maybe for the first time, but you could tell they weren't used to traveling. But they were at that age where they had to go out on their own for a bit. I know that little rant seemed a bit out of sorts, but it was an observation I had. And isn't this supposed to be my outlet for thoughts and whatnot? Why yes it tis. I was thinking about that too, how this blog thing is really, really good. If you don't have one, you should. If you're embarrassed about writing personal things for all to read, then just do one for yourself...wait, that would be a diary, wouldn't it? Yeah. I just remember years ago, how I would have all of this emotion pent up inside of me and how the only way to get it out would be to write about it. I have pages of emotional dribble ranging from anger to depression to excitement, to love. If only I had a blog then, you guys might know A LOT more about me, instead of just this surface bullshit. Well, I'm sure I've revealed a bit more than that if you look deeper into my babblings. Last night I was reading some parody songs I wrote when I was a kid. For those of you who don't know, I am a big fan of "Weird Al" Yankovic, but when I was a kid, boy was I obsessed with him. So much so that I wrote a parody of every song he wrote a parody of...only through his fifth album. And I wrote my own parodies as well. Luckily I saved them for senimental reasons and I recently put them in some plastic sheets to protect them. Last night was the first time in awhile that I read some of them. It's so silly to think I spent time writing songs like, "Alf" (parody of 'Bad'), "Losing My Round Figure" ('Losing My Religion'), "Throw Up" ('Straight Up'), "Yiddish Rhapsody" ('Bohemian Rhapsody'), ah, you get the picture. My handwriting from when I was 10 was so small and sloppy, it's interesting to see it. But even back then I knew that comedy was in my future, it was destined. I'm sure that some people who knew me then would not be surprised to learn what I have become...yup, an even bigger geek! Hell, I'm a Super Dork!. Sorry, couldn't help to plug my CD. Anyway, I've rambled on about nothing for long enough, so I'm going to tune out and turn in. Night.

4/6/05
I'm so fucking exhausted now. I flew out of Ft. Lauderdale last night at 9 pm and got into LA at 1:15 am. Today I spent the day running off labels, repacking and organizing A LOT of paperwork. Exciting, I know. Now I'm lying in bed and hoping to get a little sleep before I have to wake up at 3:30 to get a 4:10 ride to the airport for a 6:30 am flight to Spokane. Fuck-a-duck-a-roo! I was thinking of going to the Improv for a bit, just to get out, but I'd just get tired there. Besides, if I could get a few hours of sleep tonight, tomorrow might be on the right schedule for me. Jesus, did that even make sense? I just mean that tomorrow I would be up and about for a reasonable amount of time and then get to sleep at a good time and then my body might be back to normal. Of course that will end on Sunday when I go back to Florida and have to adjust to a 3 hour time difference once again. I swear, my body is more uneven then...ah...then something that isn't even. I'm just not creative right now, sorry. I started reading Wicked on the plane, really great book. Dirtier than I thought it was going to be. I'm slowly falling asleep, so I'm quickly signing off.

4/2/05
Tonight's shows were fan-fucking-tastic! Wow, this week in W. Palm has been a really great time. All three shows tonight had great crowds, the only thing that sucked was that Robert and I were 20 minutes late to the first show. That's the one down side of working this club, parking sucks. It's like, "Ok, let's build a place where hundreds and hundreds of people are going to go everyday and let's put in....I DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT THE LAST PART OF THIS ENTRY WAS ERASED. NO BIG DEAL, JUST BLABBED ON ABOUT HOW GREAT THE SHOWS WERE...OK, KEEP READING